Va Bene Pizza: "Very not okay."

Va Bene Pizza sucks! But they were listening to freestyle.fm on the radio, which is one of those stations that only sounds cool in a pizza parlor. I was really pumped on the music when we were in here, and asked them what station it was. Since last week I have tried to listen to it at home a dozen times and it never sounds any good. This place also has crazy colored walls that made all of our heads hurt.

Seriously. Meredith walked in this place, and was like, " one of the first things I learned in high school science class was that when you combine certain colors it has adverse effects on the brain. Bright green and bright red like this is like, the biggest one. This color combination gives people headaches!"

This slice was bad. There wasn't enough sauce, and it tasted fucking GROSS. At first there was seemingly no grease at all, but then suddenly the grease was running down my face and hands in torrents, like an old faithful of fattening liquid. The dough tasted like white bread. Logan said, "there's kind of a pastry thing going on." All in all, this slice was pretty crummy. Still pizza, but crummy. I wish it was good because the guys in here were sweet as anything and like I said, the music was great.

Rating:


Va Bene Pizza - $2.00
201 Clinton St (East Broadway and Henry)
New York, NY 10002

Shalom Chai PIzza: " A shtick natches!"

Shalom Chai Pizza is a truly wonderful place, but before we get there, let's zoom in on my friends for a minute because this picture is too awesome.

I wish they were in a band together so that this could be the awesome band photo. Best proposed band name wins a copy of the new issue of Slice Harvester Quarterly.

Anyway, Shalom Chai is as awesome on the inside as it is on the outside. This place was boisterous! Like just real loud. There was a pretty diverse crowd in there for a kosher place, including one dude who screamed out everyone's name but ours as they came in. Hopefully at some point this dude is gonna know my name. There was also a table of old dudes with no food who just sat there shit talking for fucking ever! It was so awesome. And the pizza, the pizza was easily the best kosher slice I've ever had.

This slice had great ratios, although according to Meredith, it was "floppier than I would've expected for how crispy it looks," which was true, but all in all, it had a really good texture for a kosher pizza. The cheese didn't taste nasty like many kosher slices of the past, and the crust was pretty good! T-Bone really liked this slice and continued to talk about it all day.

While I was ordering the slice, I noticed something interesting on the chalkboard by the register.

That's right! Pizza Knish! I was intrigued, so I got one, and we ate it! I will eat any food that is advertised as Pizza _______. Give me Pizza Vindaloo, Pizza Sushi, Pizza Pudding. I will try eating it once. And so it was with this Pizza Knish.

This thing was weirdly awesome although not so great. It wasn't hot enough, so the cheese didn't melt all the way, and sauce was the same, kinda nasty paste from the slice. And there wasn't really enough of either. I would probably eat this again, though. Logan said this was "definitely date food," and I can totally see his point. This whole place is awesome. It is so cool to hang out in, they have all those cool animals outside, you can walk over a bridge either before or after. It's a perfect date spot! But the pizza stinks. So does the knish, but at least it's got enough novelty value to be fun to eat.

Rating:


Kosher Scale:


Shalom Chai Pizza - $2.75 (Knish, $3.75)
359 Grand St (Essex & Norfolk)
New York, NY 10002

Vic's Pizza: "We are entering the city's Picture Perfect Pizza Parlor district."

Last week I went out eating pizza with my friends Meredith, who is a famous pizza pal, T-Bone, the singer of a notorious local band, and my friend Logan a true American weirdo who I have met over and over again all over the country.

Our first stop was Vic's Pizza on Essex. It's not too much to look at from the outside, but once you get in there's great music playing and a bevy of wonderful hand drawn signs.

There was also a Ms Pacman machine that T-Bone was quick to play.

This place is totally adorable and I'd want to be here for hours if the food was any good! Sadly, the pizza was a fucking bummer.

This base of this slice was the texture of cardboard. It seemed like that might be its only flaw for the first few seconds of the first bite, but then the flavor of the sauce set in. It was like, this slow motion ketchup tidal wave in my mouth. The time it took to set in makes me think of that Heinz commercial with Joey from Friends where he pours the ketchup off the tenement roof and then winks at a babe after he catches it on his hotdog. Except instead of a hotdog stand on that sidewalk imagine you, laying prone on the ground, bound by your wrists and ankles as if to some kind of medieval torture device and then the ketchup just falls all over your face like water torture. Ugh. The crust was flavorless. The ratios were all wrong. T-Bone was busy playing Ms. Pacman, but he walked over at one point, took a bite and said, "too soft and gooey inside. Not very tasty. I don't like it."

Rating:


Vic's Pizza - $2.25
51 Essex St (Grand & Hester)
New York, NY 10002

Contributor Comix Friday!

I had planned to write a review today during the slow early evening hours at the diner, but I left my pizza journal at home. However, I present to you instead, a comic, by my good friend and fellow pizza lover, Gabby Schulz, known to some by his nomme de plume, Ken Dahl. Gabby makes awesome comics and writes wry, social commentary on his website. He has a few books out and one of my favorite twitter feeds.

I asked him to draw a comic for the most recent issue of Slice Harvester Quarterly (ordering instructions here), and he threw this together for me in like, 5 minutes, which is super amazing to me because I can't draw very well.

If you're somehow unfamiliar with the ubiquitous Shoddily Modified Spice Shaker, it is discussed in depth here.

Reviews will be back on Monday. Until then, go read about why the world is a shitty, unforgiving place on Gabby's blog.

Rudy's Pizza & Restaurant: "Don't you be so cruel and feckless."

Rudy's Pizza & Restaurant is a nice looking place, don't get me wrong, and the staff are nice, but it is a total poser tourist trap. Maybe maybe maybe maybe MAYBE the pastas and stuff are good, but the pizza here is bogus and for some reason, even though the slice ended up being $2.50, I just felt like I was about to get ripped off. Like when you visit another country and you go to a restaurant that looks like it's cute and cheap and then it turns out that it's expensive and not very good and then you realize it doesn't even look cute and cheap and then you feel like a dickhead. Not that this place WAS that, it just reminded me of that.

I shouldn't have to say much about this slice if you are looking at the same picture as me. It was so hot it burned my mouth but the cheese still hadn't melted all the way, which means it is made of some foreign substance other than dairy. It was totally bland and WAY too salty at the same time. The sauce was like, this dry, flavorless paste and there was no grease to speak of so I felt like I was eating the desert. The crust was doughy and disgusting. This shit was just no good. Don't bother.

Rating:


Rudy's Pizza & Restaurant - $2.50
174 Hester St (Mott & Mulberry)
New York, NY 10012