Mamani Halal Pizza: "This was actually kind of alright!"

SOOOOOO, on Monday morning at 10:30 am I was meeting this guy from Newfoundland called Steve Dejected on the corner of 1st Avenue and 14th Street to go eat pizza, right? I never met the guy, but he's friends with a lot of friends and he was in town from far away. Also, I later learned that he went to high school with a girl who pulled a knife on me in a park in Montreal, the only other "Newfie" I have ever met. And this dude doesn't have a phone that works in America, so at like, 9:40 he called me from a payphone and I missed it and couldn't call him back but he left a message saying he was still heading to the corner and let's meet up and whatever.

So of course, I'm running late, but luckily the trains are running super fast and I get there at 10:33 and start looking around when I realize I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE, and all of a sudden everyone has become a Potential Canadian. And then I start realizing, I'm not even sure if this person is cisgendered, maybe they go by Steve but look like a lady or whatever, so now I'm not just staring at all the bio-men coming out of the train station, I am looking at EVERYONE inquisitively like, "are you Steve? are you a Canadian punk?" And then there is this guy with this stupid scarf on and a peacoat and khaki pants and desert boots eating a pastry, but he's just standing around on the corner right by the subway and MAYBE IT'S HIM, right? Maybe he just doesn't look punk anymore. Lord knows I sometimes don't look punk anymore, although on that particular day I had a leather jacket on and looked punk enough that LES Jules called me "brother" when he spanged me, although his tune quickly changed when I didn't give it to him and he feebly shouted "YOU ARE A POSER!"

So anyway, I walked up to the peacoat guy, and I was like, "are you Canadian?" And he was! But that was the wrong question, so then I was like, "Are you waiting for someone?" and he looked at me like I was crazy, and so I was all, "sorry, uh... sorry. I haven't had my coffee yet. I just... it's just... I'm supposed to meet a friend of a friend on this corner and I have no idea what he looks like." So then I texted my pal Erick, and was all "what does Steve look like??" and Erick was all "Tall. Punk! Glasses... Classic 'punk kid on your couch' look. Patches, etc." And then I see this guy come ambling down the way in a denim vest and leather gloves and too-short pants with a baseball cap on and I was like, "this is my dude," and it was.

So then we started out to eat pizza, but check this out: every pizza place was closed! Because duh, who eats pizza at 10:30 in the morning? They open at noon. So we sat around Tompkins Square for a while and talked about stuff punks talk about, and then we went over to this one place on Ave. A and we got one slice there and then headed home because I had very special Valentine's Day plans with my Very Special Lady and didn't have time to spend all day hanging out with some Canadian I don't even know!

But never fear, fans of Steve. I am meeting him at noon today and then we are going to eat the rest of those slices we never got to eat on Monday. But we did get to eat one slice, at Mamani Pizza.

Okay, I think this place post-dates most of my tenure on Avenue A. I remember wandering past it a few times in the past couple years, but it definitely wasn't there when I was a yute, because it was San Loco in those days. Mamani sells dollar slices that look nasty but are actually pretty alright.

This slice was like decent pizza from another town. It is too thick, but the dough was fluffy and not too dense. And the ingredients seemed to be of alright quality. The cheese had a good elasticity and the sauce wasn't bad, the twin pitfalls of most dollar slices. I actually liked this pizza quite a bit, although it's definitely not a Crucial New York Slice. But fuck it, it's a buck. You're probably better off here than at Nino's, to be honest.

Rating:


Dollar Slice Rating:


Mamani Pizza - $1.00
151 Ave A (9th & 10th)
New York, NY 10009

Nino's Pizza: "Think of the children!"

Nino's Pizza. Here's the thing that should pretty much sum up Nino's: I have been come here a few times over the course of the last I don't even remember how many years, and I never remember that it's here. Like, I just always forget. If asked me where the closest pizzeria was to St. Marks and Ave A, I'd probably say Stromboli (right before telling them it SUCKS). That's because I never ever ever NEVER ever EVER NERVER remember that this place is there.

Right off the bat I liked the fact that this place had hotdog rolls that looked like uncircumsized penises, but that was pretty much all it had going for it.

Me and Ann were split on this one. I thought it was totally middle of the road, and she thought it was HORRIBLE. Here's my take: this slice would be good if the cheese didn't suck. It was cooked pretty good, excellent crunch. The dough was not exceptional, but it was decent. The sauce might've sucked, actually, but I couldn't taste it because of the cheese, which overpowered everything. It tasted crummy and had a weird texture. I described it as "mealy" and Ann said "it's like slime." After her first bite she said, "I'm not taking another bite of that pizza." But despite the cheese, I didn't think it was so bad and I willingly finished the rest of the slice, although Ann muttered "you disgust me," under her breath the whole time. But I honestly didn't think it was so bad! I would eat this again and not mind and if I was drunk I would LOVE it. Plus it's only two bucks!

Rating:


Nino's - $2.00
131 St. Marks Pl (at Ave A)
New York, NY 10009

Sal's Pizzeria: "Blandest pizza yet!"

Sal's Pizzeria, I wanted to like you. Really, I did. You are tiny and cramped, I could hear the strained sounds of Adventura coming out of a tinny jambox in your kitchen, your proprietor had on a Rey Mysterio Jr t-shirt. I was excited. The slices I saw on display, though not great looking, seemed like they might be promising. They looked like those slices that seem crappy but when they come out of the oven they've undergone a miraculous transformation, like a caterpillar into a butterfly, or a man into a wolfman.

But sadly, when this slice came out it still sucked! Whatcha gonna do? When she saw it, Ann said, "this looks pitiful." Which is did. She took a few bites and then just sort of slid it across the table at me and made "uh-uh no way!" hands at me. This slice tasted like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. This is the blandest pizza I've ever had! And the texture was godawful. We discovered why when a few bites in the whole slice split in half and there was a huge layer of undercooked dough! Disregard this place, it is the pits.

Rating:


Sal's Pizzeria - $2.50
91 Ave A (5th & 6th)
New York, NY 10009

Enzo's Pizza: "This place is nothing special."

As I was standing in the street taking a picture, a cop came swerving up into the bike lane and jammed on his brakes to a stop and then got out and went into Enzo's to get a slice and just left his car unattended in the bike lane. Me and Ann entered the pizzeria after him and left before him. He was still sitting there slowly eating a slice and staring vacantly when we went back outside and his car was still blocking the bike lane and causing cyclists to jut out into traffic in order to get around him. Nice going, officer. Thanks!

This slice was undercooked. It could have been a little better if it was cooked well, but even then, the crust was totally bland and there was not enough sauce. So maybe it would've been a little better, but it wouldn't have been GOOD. It just wouldn't have been bad. Before we tasted it, I asked Ann what word or phrase came to mind when she looked at this slice and she said, "mediocrity." For some reason when I saw this slice I thought "cunnilingus" and then immediately thought "tiny tongue." What does it mean? I'll ask my shrink and get back to you.

Anyway, the rundown on this slice:

• Would've been better if cooked more but still wouldn't be good.
• Not enough sauce.
• Middling cheese.
• BLAND dough.

Rating:


Enzo's Pizza - $2.50
50 2nd Ave (2nd & 3rd)
New York, NY 10003

Empire Pizza II: "We live in a city of many pizzerias. Just walk past this one."

Empire Pizza II! I don't usually like to link or talk about yelp, but there is no other listing for this page, and I think it is important to note that most of the reviews are written by people from Chicago staying at some hotel down the street. Tourists seem to like it, but for real, this place stinks! Way worse than Empire Pizza I.

  

What a shitty slice! The cheese tastes like chemicals, the sauce tastes like paste, the crust tastes "wafery," according to Ann. It is soggy and flimsy and it smells like shit and the whole thing seems to be made of plastics. This is "food" moreso than food.

Plus, check out how gnarly their other pies look:

Rating:


Empire Pizza II - $2.50
35 1st Ave (2nd & 3rd)
New York, NY 10003