Pizza Shack: "Looks Can Be Deceiving."

Someone teach T-Bone synths or something so Scum Witch can be a reality.

Pizza Shack seemed like it was gonna be a disaster. The aesthetic of the place is a little too clean and new looking for the neighborhood, especially after all the Picturesque Shitholes we'd been eating at all afternoon. And as soon as we opened the door, the smell of huge quantities of melted butter wafted out at us and almost knocked me down. It is one smell I truly despise, and it was OVERWHELMING.

But my nose eventually adjusted and I realized that the owner was chatting with a couple of people from the neighborhood who seemed like regulars, which took the store's hoity-toity airs down a notch towards Earth. And my real concern when I saw how nice the place looked inside was for my wallet, but let me tell you, this slice was still only $2.00.

This slice was really good! This slice had really good ratios, a nice crunch and plenty of grease. The flavors were good, and you can tell that a lot of care goes into each pie here. This is not just a business, these people seem to love pizza. I personally found this slice to be a little too sweet for my tastes, but not in a synthetic seeming way. This was a deliberate decision and these people just like their pizza a little sweeter than I do. but that didn't make it any less good.

One final thing to mention about this pizza is that it was INCREDIBLY hot, which you will absolutely love if you are my mother or late grandmother.



You know, if you fold a slice in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the cheese. Indians believed it was the soul, ascending to the Great Pizzaola before the slice is eaten.

Rating:

Pizza Shack - $2.00
525 Grand St (East Broadway & Henry)
New York, NY 10002

A-1 Pizza Shop: "The future is NOW!"

A-1 Pizza Shop looks like a Crown Fried Chicken on the inside. There is one of those walls of Value Meal specials like they have in any fried food store, and it looks like typical fried food store fare. Popcorn Shrimp, Cheeseburger Meal, Fried Chicken, all that shit. They also have this weird little computer station where you can put in a dollar and use the internet for 12 minutes and it looks like something out of Neuromancer.

It has a functional printer next to it, so while we were waiting for our slice I paid a buck and searched the internet for a picture to summarize how I felt about my day out eating pizza with Meredith, T-Bone and Logan.

The workstation has a complimentary printer, so I printed out four copies and handed them to everyone. T-Bone was really bummed out to be holding a picture of a cute fairy because he is a heavy metal warrior. I should've probably used Microsoft Paint to make her into a vampire or something for him. Meredith was happy though.

And that was that! I was so excited about paying a dollar to use a computer inside a fried food store that I forgot we even had any pizza coming. When our slice finally came I was so busy looking up Juggalo Courtship Imagery to print out and give my girlfriend that I didn't even notice.

This slice was pretty alright, especially coming from a fried food store! It had a wildly inconsistent dough-thickness, which was weird and sort of funny. When I took the first bite, I exclaimed, "this is the thinnest thing I have ever put in my mouth!" But as we progressed along the damn thing, it briefly became the perfect thickness towards the middle and then was too thick by the end! You know how the past couple of years Autumn and Spring are only like a week long before Summer or Winter take over and make things unbearable again but that week is SO PERFECT even though you know it isn't gonna last? It was like that. The cheese and sauce were way decenter than I expected, and aside from the variable thickness, this slice had good enough ratios. The crust was crunchy, although the slice as a whole seemed slightly undercooked. Ultimately, this slice was satisfying and it's flaws, though present and tangible, were altogether inoffensive. It lives in the land of total and utter mediocrity, where the mayor is Michael Dukakis and the Bay City Rollers play a show every night.

Rating:


A-1 Pizza Shop - $2.00
505 Grand St (East Broadway & Henry)
New York, NY 10002

Va Bene Pizza: "Very not okay."

Va Bene Pizza sucks! But they were listening to freestyle.fm on the radio, which is one of those stations that only sounds cool in a pizza parlor. I was really pumped on the music when we were in here, and asked them what station it was. Since last week I have tried to listen to it at home a dozen times and it never sounds any good. This place also has crazy colored walls that made all of our heads hurt.

Seriously. Meredith walked in this place, and was like, " one of the first things I learned in high school science class was that when you combine certain colors it has adverse effects on the brain. Bright green and bright red like this is like, the biggest one. This color combination gives people headaches!"

This slice was bad. There wasn't enough sauce, and it tasted fucking GROSS. At first there was seemingly no grease at all, but then suddenly the grease was running down my face and hands in torrents, like an old faithful of fattening liquid. The dough tasted like white bread. Logan said, "there's kind of a pastry thing going on." All in all, this slice was pretty crummy. Still pizza, but crummy. I wish it was good because the guys in here were sweet as anything and like I said, the music was great.

Rating:


Va Bene Pizza - $2.00
201 Clinton St (East Broadway and Henry)
New York, NY 10002

Shalom Chai PIzza: " A shtick natches!"

Shalom Chai Pizza is a truly wonderful place, but before we get there, let's zoom in on my friends for a minute because this picture is too awesome.

I wish they were in a band together so that this could be the awesome band photo. Best proposed band name wins a copy of the new issue of Slice Harvester Quarterly.

Anyway, Shalom Chai is as awesome on the inside as it is on the outside. This place was boisterous! Like just real loud. There was a pretty diverse crowd in there for a kosher place, including one dude who screamed out everyone's name but ours as they came in. Hopefully at some point this dude is gonna know my name. There was also a table of old dudes with no food who just sat there shit talking for fucking ever! It was so awesome. And the pizza, the pizza was easily the best kosher slice I've ever had.

This slice had great ratios, although according to Meredith, it was "floppier than I would've expected for how crispy it looks," which was true, but all in all, it had a really good texture for a kosher pizza. The cheese didn't taste nasty like many kosher slices of the past, and the crust was pretty good! T-Bone really liked this slice and continued to talk about it all day.

While I was ordering the slice, I noticed something interesting on the chalkboard by the register.

That's right! Pizza Knish! I was intrigued, so I got one, and we ate it! I will eat any food that is advertised as Pizza _______. Give me Pizza Vindaloo, Pizza Sushi, Pizza Pudding. I will try eating it once. And so it was with this Pizza Knish.

This thing was weirdly awesome although not so great. It wasn't hot enough, so the cheese didn't melt all the way, and sauce was the same, kinda nasty paste from the slice. And there wasn't really enough of either. I would probably eat this again, though. Logan said this was "definitely date food," and I can totally see his point. This whole place is awesome. It is so cool to hang out in, they have all those cool animals outside, you can walk over a bridge either before or after. It's a perfect date spot! But the pizza stinks. So does the knish, but at least it's got enough novelty value to be fun to eat.

Rating:


Kosher Scale:


Shalom Chai Pizza - $2.75 (Knish, $3.75)
359 Grand St (Essex & Norfolk)
New York, NY 10002