Rocky's II: "I'm a little nervous for when I go eat pizza at Rocky's V and my protege sucker punches me in an alley."

It was kind of a totally weird, bridge and tunnel crowd inhabiting Rocky's II, but that's not necessarily their fault, right? Of course not. Despite being crowded up with NJ Beefcakes, there was an ample and tastefully decorated back room where me, Clancy and Mike could sit and talk about feminist horror films or anything else our wussy hearts desired, out of earshot of the crowd of musclehead goons in salmon pink polo shirts in the front.


The pizza here was interesting. It tasted a little bit like a salami--smokey, thick and meaty. Mike said some places sneak meat into their sauces as a cheat, the old meat cheat, but I don't know if I believe him. Either way, this slice was not really my thing, but you could tell it was TOTALLY someone's thing. Like, it wasn't haphazardly put together using sloppy style and sub-par ingredients. It was definitely cared for and made with love, although not to my liking. Does that make sense? I think I've used this analogy before, but it's like if one of your friends played in a band that sounded like Red Hot Chili Peppers. And she is like, totally stoked on her sick slap bass skillz, and you know she is super invested and it's hella honest, but you just can't like it no matter what. That's how I feel about this pizza. And Mike Taylor summed it up really good when he took a bite, chewed slowly, ruminated for a minute and then said, "it's not repulsive, it's mysterious." But let's get Jessica Fletcher up in here to tell us what's going on, because I don't really want to eat this pizza again, though I'm sure someone does.

Rating:


Rocky's II - $2.50
607 2nd Ave (33rd & 34th)
New York, NY 10016

USA Pizza: "The Pizza of America"

USA Pizza was a funny place. It was kind of subterranean, as in, it was down some steps, and it was cavernous. It had a great vibe, barring the fact that there was a TV on playing Family Guy, a show which I have never seen an episode of that didn't contain a rape joke, but I will pretend it was an accident, as there was another television playing Univision. Based on the awning, which just said, "PIZZA RESTAURANT," we were unsure of what the name of this establishment was until we got inside and saw the menu.


I am pretty much your standard grown-folks anarcho-punk and think America kind of sucks. Although I think that with a much more nuanced perspective than I did when I was fifteen and I was writing poetry about Mike Eisner and Phil Knight building and climbing a ladder to the heavens, that was LITERALLY constructed out of the bodies of Third World Laborers, in which I wrote the word AmeriKKKa no less than two dozen times. My perspective now is more appreciative of the privilege I am afforded by living here while still being totally critical of the cost of that privilege in actual human lives elsewhere. I digress. The point is, even though I am a godless commie jew anarchist who hates Freedom and wants to turn your children gay, I still really appreciate something about this pizzeria just being called "USA." And I am especially charmed by their slogan, "The Pizza of America," because it was obviously thought up by a non-native English speaker. In one of the many paradoxes of my personality, while I find patriotic sentiments by Red Blooded, True Blue, Lily White Americans totally distasteful, I am absolutely delighted by joyous expressions of appreciation from recent immigrants. What can I say, I think I am just totally into seeing people be happy.


I was really ready to be equally charmed by this slice of pizza, but sadly, it wasn't the greatest. It was cooked well, and the dough and crust were excellent--tasty and crunchy. But the sauce and cheese fell just shy of the mark. The cheese was decent quality, but there was either too much of it or too little of it on the slice, like when you get a pie to go and it's blazing hot and the cheese slides around all over the place. Except this slice had been stationary in the pizzeria all day, so I don't know what that was about. And the sauce was a little bit too watery and insubstantial, but it didn't taste bad. Ultimately this place is maybe not worth a trip but if you're walking by and in the mood for a slice, it's not necessarily a bad option, and at $2.00, it's definitely priced compellingly.

Rating:


USA Pizza - $2.00
530 2nd Ave (29th & 30th)
New York, NY 10016

Firehouse Pizza: "I want to pretend this place is called fIREHOSE pizza and that everyone that works has to wear a flannel."

Firehouse Pizza is really charming for a number of reasons. First of all, it is like, absolutely one of the tiniest pizzerias I've been to. It's no Triangle Pizza, but it's pretty cramped in there. There's full seating for four folks, at two two-top tables. Say that ten times fast. The craziest thing about the place is that there is this weird little, like, dispatch office with a little window that reminded me of that room where Danny Devito hung out in Taxi. It's just plopped down in the middle of the restaurant. The space could totally be used for more seating or something, but instead it is just this sloppy office. There's something I really appreciate about that. And then the "waitstaff" is majorly over-attentive in this way where like, you're in high school at your friend's parents house and her mom keeps trying to make sure that you're comfortable or alright the whole time to the point that it becomes vaguely burdensome but you still know that it's so sweet, so who cares.


The pizza here is horrible, though. The color of the sauce was really reminiscent of tomato paste, the crust was spongy and nasty, and the cheese was totally from a bag of shredded crap. Mike said, "my mom, who is from Florida, would be fine with this," which is to say that, yes, it was certainly pizza, but no, it wasn't good pizza. We didn't even finish our single serving between the three of us. Take this slice and shove it.

Rating:


Firehouse Pizza - $2.50
230 E 29th St (2nd & 3rd)
New York, NY 10016

Oh, also! Happy New Year to all of the tribe. And just for the hell of it, because I'm thinking of Mike Watt, anyway:

mike watt - big train VIDEO from Corndogs.ORG XTC4U.ORG on Vimeo.

Mike's Pizza: "Horrible horrible horrible."

Mike's Pizza looks just like Mike Due Pizza, is like, a block away, and presumably owned by the same person/s. Also total shit. Also bummer decor. Don't bother.


I'm going to leave the description of Mike's up to Mike, being a "Mike" himself. He said, "it's like you're eating the sponge they used to clean up a cheese accident."

Rating:


Mike's Pizza - $2.50
415 2nd Ave (at 24th)
New York, NY 10010

Mike Due Pizza: "I think John Carpenter made this slice."

Mike Due Pizza is another place that I have often puzzled over. There is something about the font on the facade of the building that I am just totally distrustful of. I can't really begin to explain why, but it is simply not a place that instills me with courage and faith in their ability to craft a decent pizza. The innards of the restaurant are similarly sterile, though somewhat less offensive. This just seems like one of many bland midtown eateries.


The slice they serve at Mike Due is about as boring and bland as the front of the establishment, though slightly more repugnant. Mike said that the slice tasted "like if they made a pudding flavor of microwave pizza. I thought it looked malnourished, and it reminded me of that insipid little bedridden jerk who never goes outside from The Secret Garden. He was such a little shit and I hate him so much! A brief aside, that guy is named Colin, and when I was a wee lad and my Masterpiece Theater loving mother took me to see the Secret Garden in the movie theaters I was FURIOUS because the first movie character I had ever seen with the same name as me was such a wretched little shit. I think that might've been how Mike felt about this slice.


The whole thing was just one big, bland blob. Like, it was almost impossible to distinguish the texture of the dough from the texture of the slice. The sauce clumped up like horror movie blood and was that same synthetic red, and the cheese was the cheapest crap around. The actual crust was billowing and dense, totally unappetizing and undercooked. This slice is really pretty damn awful.

Rating:


Mike Due Pizza - $2.50
388 3rd Ave (at 25th)
New York, NY 10016