But Slice Harvester is not dead! I have four more places to go in Manhattan and then I'm calling it quits, at least for the time being. Although there will certainly be a bit of Manhattan Wrap Up and perhaps a Final Four style showdown?
Anyway, I got this email today from a long time reader wondering where I'd disappeared to which contained this passage:
"Last year I was on a plane from Singapore to NY--i started talking to this guy working in the backwaters of Malaysia. He was visiting NY for the first time and looking forward to getting Pizza.
I asked him if he needed recommendations. He said, no, that he knew where to go because he'd been reading this blog from some guy who was eating at every pizza place--your blog.
Really. "
Also yesterday I hung out with Ben Trogdon who does NUTS! Magazine and we had some super inspiring conversations. It all reminded me that maybe I've been living my life of blood and flesh at the expense of my life of wires and words. Which is to say, I haven't been on the internet too much lately.
So here's what's going to happen:
I have two reviews ready for places I ate at with my friend Paul Lukas. I will post one of them tomorrow and the next one next Wednesday. In the meantime I will eat at the final two pizzerias in Manhattan I haven't eaten at, and I will post the reviews the subsequent two Wednesdays. After that we'll play it by ear.
We are living in wild times. Everyone stay strong.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Georgio's: "Plastic surgery disasters."
By the time we arrived at Georgio's, I think Jen Shag and I had run out of expectations, though we hadn't run out of hope. Upon walking into the establishment, we were confronted with the ambiance of a Cafe Amore and the smell of a Pastafina. In short, what little hope we had left was squandered. I'm not exactly sure how to best tie it together, but everything about this place seemed to be summed up in the 4000" flatscreen on the wall playing some "Deadly Bar Fight" reality courtroom show and the gaggle of lonesome fools watching it, slack-jawed and dead-eyed.
And if ever a piece of pizza could be described as "slack-jawed and dead-eyed," this is the slice. It vaguely approximates pizza in the way that weird overly tanned, overly plastic surgeried celebrities approximate humans, but a true New York slice it is not. The sauce tasted like the meatball sandwich in my Middle School cafeteria. Jen remarked that the cheese tasted like "they cooked the wrapper from the mozzarella onto the slice." There were distinct notes of burnt plastic and impending cancer. The crust had a shiny gloss to it, like the varnish on a hardwood floor or the paint job on a car. Everything about this slice was artificial. To be frank, it looked like Carrot Top's face. In summation, Jen said, "they should be paying us $2.50 to eat this slice." I think I'd probably like to be paid more than that, but I'll take what I can get in these trying economic times.
Rating:
Georgio's Pizzeria - $2.50
20 Beaver St (Broadway and Something Else)
New York, NY 10004
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Underground Pizza: "You believe in a pizza of crystal that can never be destroyed -- a pizza at which one will not be able to put out one's tongue or make a long nose on the sly."
I AM A SICK MAN.... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased. However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for certain what ails me. I don't consult a doctor for it, and never have, though I have a respect for medicine and doctors. My liver is bad, well -- let it get worse!
Some days ago I had the distinct misfortune of spending my afternoon repast attempting to nourish myself in a rather scurrilous establishment called Underground Pizza. Forgive me for my indiscretion, gentlemen, but a pox upon the fools who created this hellish place and a pox upon their ancestors.
Housed in a seemingly nondescript and innoffensive building on a seemingly nondescript and inoffensive block, this building and this block are both quite repugnant in fact, by virtue of their sheer banality. And the banality hides an odious truth: the food from this horrendously average establishment quite likely provides calories and energy to the most hideous of people, those who profiteer from misery and suffering: traders and brokers.
And surely their bodies have deteriorated in conjunction with their morals if this is the food upon which they eat. To call this food, why to call this slop "food" would be to call these parasitic ghouls "men"! As an exercise, walk to your rubbish heap, find a sullied sponge amongst the refuse, perhaps one with which you cleaned your toilet, and bite into it--this roughly approximates the experience of eating a slice at so-called Underground Pizza. As my close confidante Jennifer Shagawat said, "this place gives the underground a bad name."
Rating:
Underground Pizza - $2.50
3 Hanover Sq
New York, NY 100014
Some days ago I had the distinct misfortune of spending my afternoon repast attempting to nourish myself in a rather scurrilous establishment called Underground Pizza. Forgive me for my indiscretion, gentlemen, but a pox upon the fools who created this hellish place and a pox upon their ancestors.
Housed in a seemingly nondescript and innoffensive building on a seemingly nondescript and inoffensive block, this building and this block are both quite repugnant in fact, by virtue of their sheer banality. And the banality hides an odious truth: the food from this horrendously average establishment quite likely provides calories and energy to the most hideous of people, those who profiteer from misery and suffering: traders and brokers.
And surely their bodies have deteriorated in conjunction with their morals if this is the food upon which they eat. To call this food, why to call this slop "food" would be to call these parasitic ghouls "men"! As an exercise, walk to your rubbish heap, find a sullied sponge amongst the refuse, perhaps one with which you cleaned your toilet, and bite into it--this roughly approximates the experience of eating a slice at so-called Underground Pizza. As my close confidante Jennifer Shagawat said, "this place gives the underground a bad name."
Rating:
Underground Pizza - $2.50
3 Hanover Sq
New York, NY 100014
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Miami, Fl: Pizza Cubano Head2Head SHOWDOWN!!!! The review is dedicated to all my homegirls reading Slice Harvester at Miami Children's Hospital.
Last month I spent a little under two weeks in Miami, Florida with Mi Ami, Cha Cha. We hung out with her mom and sisters in the morning, flexed on South Beach in the afternoon and went clubbing with Pitbull and Trick Daddy every night. It was a grand time of delightful gefilte fish breakfasts in the sand, midday wheatgrass smoothies on the boardwalk, fried chicken dinners delivered to fancy restaurants, and 30 hits of E for a midnight snack. Now I have a sweet tribal back piece, a twitch, and a few holes in my brain, but all in all I think I am better for the time spent.
But despite the fact that I was on vacation, I still found time to work. You see, a few years ago when I was in Miami for the first time, friend to Slice Harvester and Miami native, Cristy Road, enlightened me to the fact that her home city has an entire culinary sub-culture of Cuban pizza shops that serve Cuban Style Pizza!!! I am not usually into regional pizza variations, but I love Miami and I love Cuban food, so I thought that maybe it would be awesome. Also fuck it, I am totally into regional pizza variations. Who am I kidding?
Anyway, my special lady friend's sister Dita suggested a couple of Cuban pizza places and Cha Cha, her mother, and I visited two of them. Earlier tonight when I was talking to Cha Cha about what to include in this review, she mentioned that her mother saved her soda cup as a keepsake from our day of Slice Harvesting! I tried to save all my stool the following day, for similar reasons, but those nazis in the TSA wouldn't let me bring that shit on the plane. (Har har).
Our first stop was Montes De Oca, on SW 8th St and SW 52nd Ct. This place is really awesome! It is half indoor and half outdoor, like many things in Miami. The outdoor portion has cool stone seating, and the indoor portion feels warm and inviting like a good diner. Everybody that works at Montes De Oca is really nice. They don't really speak any English, and my Spanish was horrible, and Cha Cha who sprechen zie Spanish was outside smoking when I tried to order, so there was a lot of gesturing and hand waving and making up words. Ultimately it took a total of three waitresses to get an order out of me, which is totally shameful. I vow to learn Spanish better from here on out!
There were like, a ton of different kinds of pizza available on the menu, and I ultimately decided on the Pizza Mixta, which had like a thousand things on it--ham, pepperoni, picadillo, mushroom, onion, pepper, cheese and tomato sauce.
Now, the first thing I noticed about this pizza was that the "toppings" were not on top! That's one of the things that seems to distinguish Cuban pizza from regular pizza. They put the toppings under the cheese. It is perhaps less visually tantalizing, but far more effective in terms of being able to eat the thing without it falling to bits. Like, sometime about halfway through my childhood, I noticed that when my mother prepared her bagel and lox, she would put the cream cheese down, then the cucumber, tomato and onion, and then finally put the lox on top. I always thought she was doing things totally backwards, because I put my vegetables on top of my smoked salmon, because they clearly looked better there! But then I realized, and by "I realized" I mean "she pointed out to me," that my bagel would fall all over the place all the time and hers remained neatly in place.
Anyway, this pizza was AWESOME. Another characteristic of the cuban pizza, at least the personal size, (as opposed to the family size, which is what they call a regular pie) is that it comes on a thick, soft crust, a lot like I remember Boboli being. It didn't even occur to me when I was there, but I am starting to wonder if the bigger pie has a thinner dough! I guess I'll find out in a few months when I am in Miami again. ANYWAY, this pie was like the most awesome Boboli pizza your mom ever made you while you were stoned and she didn't know it. Totally rules! Cha Cha's mom said this pizza was "rustic and delicious."
Rating:
Montes De Oca - Pizza Mixta - $7.95
5241 SW 8th St (at SW 52nd Ct)
Coral Gables, FL 33134
Our next stop, Rey's Pizza, was about 10 blocks West on SW 8th. Doing some amateur internet sleuthing, I learned that Rey's Pizza was, allegedly, the first ever Cuban Pizzeria, founded by two best friends. They had a falling out some time in the 80s or 90s (I don't remember! WHO CARES?!) and then the one dude split and opened Montes De Oca! There is nothing I love more than a good falling out. (Maybe a good blood feud?) And so I was slash am totally excited about participating and perhaps exacerbating this feud by eventually liking one of these places more than the other!!!!! OMG!
Rey's Pizza is shaped like a castle, which is awesome. I love most non-White Castle castle-shaped businesses. I wish I could go back in time and add that to the interests in my livejournal profile. "...cutting onions with a serrated knife, non-White Castle castle-shaped businesses, Wu-Tang grammatical errors..." It would've fit so well. I tried to take a picture of Rey's Pizza from the front, but walking in front of cars with an air of authority and snapping a quick picture of a business seems like it might get me murdered in Miami as opposed to just honked at like it does here in New York.
Rey's Pizza has no outdoor area, and the inside was brightly lit like a fast food joint. If any of my Miami readers want to write a scene report from Rey's Pizza at like 3am on a Saturday, I'd love to print it. This place seems like it would be totally awesome in the middle of the night. I'm not sure if I prefer the warmth of Montes De Oca to this place, I think it's situational. Like, I think depending on the circumstance I'd prefer both equally. The employees at Rey's Pizza were really nice, too. And they have their own brand of Meatless Spaghetti Sauce for Multipurpose Italian Specialties!
There was a little bit of deliberation, but for the sake of continuity I decided to get a Pizza Mixta here as well. I had the unfortunate experience of watching them cook my pizza here. They assembled the pizza on a countertop and then placed it in one of those weird conveyer belt ovens you imagine them having in prison kitchens. It was a real serious bummer for me to watch, but I figured, when in Rome or whatever. Anyway, they gave me my pizza eventually and I ate it eventually.
This pizza was WAY more well done then the last one and Mom remarked that they were more stingy with the ingredients than Montes De Oca. Cha Cha's initial assessment of this pie was that it would be better, because she likes her pizza burnt to a crisp apparently! JK. This pie was nicely just nicely browned, but after the altogether pretty pleasant experience I had with the last one, I had a hunch that Cuban pizza was not as good when cooked as thoroughly as a New York slice. And I dare say, I was right!
The crust was thinner and crunchier, but that didn't suit the style of pizza so well. The crust at Montes De Oca was thick and airy, and the cheese on top was viscous and warm without ever crisping. Generally all the flavors and textures of that pie were round and comforting. This pie, on the other hand was sharp and rough. And in general it just wasn't as good! I think even if it had been cooked "properly" (I don't even know if that's the word I am looking for), it wouldn't have been as good as Montes De Oca. If I were to describe this pie in two words, I would say "stingy and crisp," which pales in comparison to Mom's assessment of the last pie as "rustic and delicious." Ultimately, though, even if the other place was better, this was good food and I would eat it again!
Rating:
Rey's Pizza - Pizza Mixta - $7.95
6340 SW 8th St (SW 63rd & 64th Aves)
West Miami, FL 33144
But despite the fact that I was on vacation, I still found time to work. You see, a few years ago when I was in Miami for the first time, friend to Slice Harvester and Miami native, Cristy Road, enlightened me to the fact that her home city has an entire culinary sub-culture of Cuban pizza shops that serve Cuban Style Pizza!!! I am not usually into regional pizza variations, but I love Miami and I love Cuban food, so I thought that maybe it would be awesome. Also fuck it, I am totally into regional pizza variations. Who am I kidding?
Anyway, my special lady friend's sister Dita suggested a couple of Cuban pizza places and Cha Cha, her mother, and I visited two of them. Earlier tonight when I was talking to Cha Cha about what to include in this review, she mentioned that her mother saved her soda cup as a keepsake from our day of Slice Harvesting! I tried to save all my stool the following day, for similar reasons, but those nazis in the TSA wouldn't let me bring that shit on the plane. (Har har).
Our first stop was Montes De Oca, on SW 8th St and SW 52nd Ct. This place is really awesome! It is half indoor and half outdoor, like many things in Miami. The outdoor portion has cool stone seating, and the indoor portion feels warm and inviting like a good diner. Everybody that works at Montes De Oca is really nice. They don't really speak any English, and my Spanish was horrible, and Cha Cha who sprechen zie Spanish was outside smoking when I tried to order, so there was a lot of gesturing and hand waving and making up words. Ultimately it took a total of three waitresses to get an order out of me, which is totally shameful. I vow to learn Spanish better from here on out!
Now, the first thing I noticed about this pizza was that the "toppings" were not on top! That's one of the things that seems to distinguish Cuban pizza from regular pizza. They put the toppings under the cheese. It is perhaps less visually tantalizing, but far more effective in terms of being able to eat the thing without it falling to bits. Like, sometime about halfway through my childhood, I noticed that when my mother prepared her bagel and lox, she would put the cream cheese down, then the cucumber, tomato and onion, and then finally put the lox on top. I always thought she was doing things totally backwards, because I put my vegetables on top of my smoked salmon, because they clearly looked better there! But then I realized, and by "I realized" I mean "she pointed out to me," that my bagel would fall all over the place all the time and hers remained neatly in place.
Anyway, this pizza was AWESOME. Another characteristic of the cuban pizza, at least the personal size, (as opposed to the family size, which is what they call a regular pie) is that it comes on a thick, soft crust, a lot like I remember Boboli being. It didn't even occur to me when I was there, but I am starting to wonder if the bigger pie has a thinner dough! I guess I'll find out in a few months when I am in Miami again. ANYWAY, this pie was like the most awesome Boboli pizza your mom ever made you while you were stoned and she didn't know it. Totally rules! Cha Cha's mom said this pizza was "rustic and delicious."
Rating:
Montes De Oca - Pizza Mixta - $7.95
5241 SW 8th St (at SW 52nd Ct)
Coral Gables, FL 33134
Our next stop, Rey's Pizza, was about 10 blocks West on SW 8th. Doing some amateur internet sleuthing, I learned that Rey's Pizza was, allegedly, the first ever Cuban Pizzeria, founded by two best friends. They had a falling out some time in the 80s or 90s (I don't remember! WHO CARES?!) and then the one dude split and opened Montes De Oca! There is nothing I love more than a good falling out. (Maybe a good blood feud?) And so I was slash am totally excited about participating and perhaps exacerbating this feud by eventually liking one of these places more than the other!!!!! OMG!
Rey's Pizza is shaped like a castle, which is awesome. I love most non-White Castle castle-shaped businesses. I wish I could go back in time and add that to the interests in my livejournal profile. "...cutting onions with a serrated knife, non-White Castle castle-shaped businesses, Wu-Tang grammatical errors..." It would've fit so well. I tried to take a picture of Rey's Pizza from the front, but walking in front of cars with an air of authority and snapping a quick picture of a business seems like it might get me murdered in Miami as opposed to just honked at like it does here in New York.
 |
| Rey's Pizza has an awesome costume mascot. |
Rey's Pizza has no outdoor area, and the inside was brightly lit like a fast food joint. If any of my Miami readers want to write a scene report from Rey's Pizza at like 3am on a Saturday, I'd love to print it. This place seems like it would be totally awesome in the middle of the night. I'm not sure if I prefer the warmth of Montes De Oca to this place, I think it's situational. Like, I think depending on the circumstance I'd prefer both equally. The employees at Rey's Pizza were really nice, too. And they have their own brand of Meatless Spaghetti Sauce for Multipurpose Italian Specialties!
There was a little bit of deliberation, but for the sake of continuity I decided to get a Pizza Mixta here as well. I had the unfortunate experience of watching them cook my pizza here. They assembled the pizza on a countertop and then placed it in one of those weird conveyer belt ovens you imagine them having in prison kitchens. It was a real serious bummer for me to watch, but I figured, when in Rome or whatever. Anyway, they gave me my pizza eventually and I ate it eventually.
This pizza was WAY more well done then the last one and Mom remarked that they were more stingy with the ingredients than Montes De Oca. Cha Cha's initial assessment of this pie was that it would be better, because she likes her pizza burnt to a crisp apparently! JK. This pie was nicely just nicely browned, but after the altogether pretty pleasant experience I had with the last one, I had a hunch that Cuban pizza was not as good when cooked as thoroughly as a New York slice. And I dare say, I was right!
The crust was thinner and crunchier, but that didn't suit the style of pizza so well. The crust at Montes De Oca was thick and airy, and the cheese on top was viscous and warm without ever crisping. Generally all the flavors and textures of that pie were round and comforting. This pie, on the other hand was sharp and rough. And in general it just wasn't as good! I think even if it had been cooked "properly" (I don't even know if that's the word I am looking for), it wouldn't have been as good as Montes De Oca. If I were to describe this pie in two words, I would say "stingy and crisp," which pales in comparison to Mom's assessment of the last pie as "rustic and delicious." Ultimately, though, even if the other place was better, this was good food and I would eat it again!
Rating:
Rey's Pizza - Pizza Mixta - $7.95
6340 SW 8th St (SW 63rd & 64th Aves)
West Miami, FL 33144
Friday, September 9, 2011
Cucina Bene Pizzeria: "Good kitchen? Bad pizza."
Cucina Bene Pizzeria's slice was just as bad, if not worse than Grotto, but the place lacked any of Grotto's weird, maniac charm. It was totally bland. Just a big room, painted horrible colors (bright blue/bright yellow), with a GIANT flatscreen. Like the giantest television I have ever seen. Imagine the most ostentatious Miami drug dealer you can think of and then think about how big his imaginary TV is and then like, times that by eleventy thousand. Because seriously, this thing was fucking SO BIG.
This slice also tasted like a battery. Jen thinks they must use the same distributor as Grotto. Whatever it is, this pizza gave me the same acid burn in the back of my throat. This slice was also too thin and totally insubstantial and I felt like I had been ripped off. The crust was totally stingy and what there was of it stunk. BOOOOO! Get off my phone!
Rating:
Cucina Bene Pizzera - $2.50
41 Exchange Pl (Broad & William)
New York, NY 10005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)