Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Pizza Mission.

Here's the thing about this blog:

I am going to eat a slice of pizza at every pizzeria in New York City. I'm going by neighborhood, starting in Manhattan, getting a plain slice at every place. I am fucking sick of the current trend in Pizza Journalism that's all about fucking artichoke guacamole tahini pizza on rice dough. That shit isn't pizza. Sorry. The only instances where "not pizza" actually is pizza are Zante's in San Francisco on like, 27th and Mission that makes Indian Pizza, and the Turkish Pizza places in Berlin. The rest of it, not pizza. Brie cheese with prosciutto bits and a horseradish mustard, cooked to perfection on flat dough in a hot oven? Sounds delicious, not pizza.

I digress. No one has done a proper survey of every single plain slice in New York City to scientifically determine which is the absolute best one. It's all Grimaldi's this and Difara's that. Those places are good, sure, but some days I think that one place Gino's, right across from the last stop on the 4 train in the Bronx is better than both of those places put together. And speaking of specific pizzerias, I will only be eating at mom and pop joints. No chains. That means the Pizza Hut in Kew Gardens, the Dominoes in Inwood, the Sbarros on W. 8th, the Papa John's in Crown Heights, etc., ad infinitum.

All in all, a slice can be damn near perfect, but if you aren't in the mood to be receptive, it can blow right by you. As such, I'll be doing my best to explain to you the exact, well, head-space, as our poor-lexiconed, West Coast brethren might say, that I was in at the time of each slice's eating.

Finally, you may be asking yourself, who is this guy and what does he know about pizza? Well, truth be told I am just some shmuck from New York with too much time on my hands.

26 comments:

  1. You may be "just some schmuck" but I will vouch for the fact that you are one of the sweetest funnest schmucks in the whole damn city.

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  2. So I read all the entries so far, and when I go to NYC next summer, I definitely wanna try out Pizza Palace. Sounds like the perfect pizza experience. :D
    As someone who has to eat pizza on a regular occasion (as I have developed a theory that if I don't have pizza on a regular basis, my body will start to feast on itself from the inside, because it will be craving pizza so much that it begins to realize that my body is, in fact, part pizza), I fully appreciate this blog! Too bad you can't come to Texas, and review the pizza places here. The number of mom and pop pizza places in the whole state of Texas is probably less than the number of pizza places in all of NYC anyway. ;o
    Can't wait for more reviews!

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  3. Wow. This blog is awesome. Welcome to the world of pizza-blogging. I look forward to your reports, Mr. Atrophy.

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  4. i'm glad you're going through with it... plain slice pizza fans are cheering in the streets!

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  5. I will be in NYC next weekend, alone, and will be living on pizza slices. Places that only serve whole pies are out of the question. I don't want that much food at one time. Can you give me any recommendations?

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  6. You're an idiot. It will take you a day to do two blocks of Third Avenue in the 70s. Tool.

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  7. You are a RIOT!! I just loved your take on all these new slices! Keep it coming!

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  8. I LOVE THIS. Good luck! And don't forget to go to Loretta's on Layton Ave in the Bronx. So good!

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  9. THIS IS THE GREATEST BLOG EVER! Good luck to you!!!

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  10. Great, I hate toppings on my pizza. Except pepperoni, that adds to the flavor. I should clarify by saying I hate vegetables on my pizza. The vegetables leak water and the pizza never obtains the golden cheesy goodness that I crave. I have actually looked at the half veggie/half cheese pizzas bastards my wife has ordered for us in the past. The veggi part, all white anemic and slimy, while the virgin cheese part, succulent and cheesy brown.

    Just my opinion... No toppings is the way to go to truly judge pizza.

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  11. Love the idea! As a scientist, though, it is my job to point out that, to control for a bad pie or a bad pizza chef or vagaries in the hand washing habits of a particular kneader or some such, you should try to eat 3 slices from each place at different times! I'll bet you regret using the word "scientific" in your description!
    Seriously though, folks, good luck getting through the upper east side where pizzarias are three to a block. I look forward to it!

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  12. A quest worthy of Arthur and his Knights. I applaud you on your latose and fat quest and wish I could join you on it. I will read faithfully and enjoy your good humor.

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  13. i love the shout out to papa john's in crown heights. but please do let us know about kretchme pizza on troy ave.

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  14. You gotta try the kosher ones too...

    right?

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  15. San Remo... Q to Cortelyou Rd. in Brooklyn. No excuses, just damn good slices (if you're adventurous, mozarella & basil... worth the cigarette after).

    Wine is 1/2 price on Thurs. if you need to wash the anger away.

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  16. are you mapping this online somewhere?

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  17. You are my hero. Eat well and prosper.

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  18. I can't wait till you get to Koronet.

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  19. I like seeing a pizza purist... I wish you good luck in your venture....What has happened to pizza...Its no longer Pizza when you put all that crap on it...Whats worse is Chicago Pizza
    thats a cassarole not a Pizza...
    Only thin crust cheese Pizza!!!!!

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  20. Rockys pizza, corner of Church Avenue, and Coney Island Avenue, Yuck, greasy,oily like the oil change place next store.
    Spumoni Gardens, Over-rated pizza

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  21. Glad to see you mentioned Gino's. (I thought it was called Gary and Gino's. whatever.) Also, congrats on the post article! Don't quote me on this, but I think I'd probably break veeg and join you if I end up waking up on your floor and you're on your way out to harvest.

    Steve

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  22. Great site! Totally funny and addicting to read.

    Although I understand why you wouldn't post reviews of "artichoke-guacamole-bullshitty-gourmet-pizza", I don't think it's right not to consider it pizza. It IS pizza whether your like it or not. There are many who wouldn't even consider many of the slices you have reviewed as "pizza".

    I have two recomendations: Danny's II on Graham Avenue in Williamsburg and Giovanni's on Arthur Avenue in the Bronx. Giovanni's does utilize cornmeal, but somehow it works beautifully with the crust. A lovely woman, who works there, will also ask if you want fresh basil on your slice...again, somehow it works. They know how to treat their customers.

    I look forward to reading more posts!

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  23. I have been following this site for some time and surprised at the amount of crappy Pizza out there.. I was expecting a more positive outcome.
    One of my favorite places (This was years ago)
    Was Steve's Pizza on 6th and 12st (Not positive
    about the address.... I did donate for a few slices...

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  24. Has anyone noticed that the intrepid Slice Harvester is well into his second year of reviews? Hurrah! (never thought I would ever type that word unless I was quoting Dickens.)

    Also, from my point of view, he is also spot on the vast majority of the time. Keep fighting the good fight S.H.

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  25. Would love to visit NYC to do exactly this: a survey of Pizza!
    I discovered after a visit to small town Italy that all pizza from Vancouver BC is unmitigated crap.

    Make sure you visit Jim Lahey's Company.

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