Artichoke: "This is delicious but it is not meant for me."

Every time I tell a Time Out NY-reading, condo-dwelling, truffle eater about Slice Harvester, they ask me what I think about Artichoke, because they read about it in the Times or on some food blog and heard it was the best new shit. And every time they ask me I have to tell them, "I dunno." Because I hadn't gotten there yet. And now I have and I had their "margherita" slice or whatever, which is not the artichoke slice, which I hear is just to die faw, but fuck it, whatever, who cares?

This pizza is delicious. It definitely wins the prize for the Best Quality Ingredients of any slice I've ever eaten. And it's put together really expertly. And the dough is really well made! It's fucking awesome. But it's not a New York Slice, (and I know it doesn't claim to be), and it costs $4. This is like, pizza for someone in a different economic bracket than me. This pizza is for people with real careers and children, or maybe it's pizza for jetsetting tattoo artists who get flown to London to draw pictures on Russel Brand's belly or the guy from Prodigy's feet or whatever, or for models or something. The point is, the slice at Artichoke was perfectly delicious, but I kind of felt like I was in someone else life. Like, it just didn't feel like it was for me. Oh, and the crust was unpleasantly brittle, but it was also so delicious, so who knows? As you can see, this slice confused the hell out of me.

Rating:


Artichoke - $4.00
111 MacDougal (at Carmine)
New York, NY 10014

Ben's Pizzeria: "The barrier between sex and danger."

Ben's Pizzeria is sending me mixed messages, but ultimately, they serve a decent slice. The atmosphere in there is nice and chaotic, but they still manage to get the pizza out on time, and the turn around is quick enough that one can usually find room to post up at a table or counter long enough to eat. Everything is also really old and grease-stained in there, which y'all know I love. It smelled pretty good, too, and I was kind of excited to eat there. Then they handed me my slice and I was even more excited although it was more from morbid fascination than the expectation of culinary delight.

My slice had, on it's center, what can only be described as a pustule or open sore. It looked grotesque. It looked like a cold sore.

Looking at this slice reminded me of that scene in Crash where James Spader has sex with the open wound in Rosana Arquette's leg. It was grotesque and somewhat sexual, although the fact of the matter is, that the giant scabby crater on my second bite actually didn't taste like anything.

Overall, this slice had it's pluses and minuses. It was cooked expertly, and the cheese was great quality, but the ratios were horribly off and the crust was kind of bland. I don't know what the sauce was like, because there was barely any of it on there, and it was over-powered by enormous amounts of cheese. The dough had a perfect crunch, and in conjunction with the other elements, it provided an excellent textural backbone for my and Nate's eating experience. However, when left alone at the rim of the slice, it was a little bit too flavorless, a problem that would've been solved by more salt or more grease.

All in all, though, this slice was still above average. Despite it's drawbacks, it tasted really good and was totally satisfying to eat! I don't really know why, but regardless of its flaws, it possessed that certain ineffable quality that good pizza has. Maybe it's something in the oven, maybe the pizzaolo at Ben's is especially caring, maybe the owners made a deal with the devil. Who can say? Certainly not me, but I can tell you that this slice is alright.

Rating:


Ben's Pizzeria - $2.75
123 MacDougal (at W 3rd)
New York, NY 10014

Francesco's Pizzeria & Pasta: "If you're stuck in the middle say..."

This week I had the pleasure of eating pizza with my friend Nate Doyle. Nate is from Maine and is really punk. He does a comic called Crooked Teeth, which I absolutely love (get it at Desert Island) and plays in a rock group called Nomos, whom I have never heard (sue me). Nate rules and when we were leaving he told me he was going to make a comic about today, which is awesome, because I love being featured in people's comics. Also, Nate is friends with this person Izzy who I just ordered a bunch of patches from. They look like this:

Except they are on white canvas and printed in only black, not black and red, because I am uncreative and when she asked me what colors I wanted I said, "I dunno, just black on white I guess." Soon when I scan one of the actual patches I got, this text and that picture will disappear eternally, so savor it while you can. REGARDLESS of all this nonsense, they are beautiful patches, and they will be offered exclusively to donaters. So donate. There's a button on the right side of the page. It's easy.

The name of Francescos' Pizzeria & Pasta kind of annoys me. Like, I don't know, I think "pizzeria" implies that there's likely pasta in the joint. "Francesco's Pizza & Pasta" would be fine, because those are both foods and one doesn't imply the other. I think I am perhaps a little too sensitive, though. Problems with the name aside, this place is totally alright. It is really pleasant to be in there, the lady behind the counter was a total peach, and I felt like me and Nate could've sat in the place catching up for a while and no one would've shot us the evil eye. Not because it wasn't busy, mind you, but because they are just decent enough folks not to go around shooting evil eyes. They are not uptight. They are relaxed. They take sea salt baths and go to the sauna. They let insults wick up and roll off their shoulders like rain on a delivery guy's poncho and they accept compliments as gracefully as a skilled pizza maestro throws dough. These are good people. Good people serving okay pizza.

This slice was perfectly medium. Like, not too good, not too bad. Great ratios, good crunch, decent crust, inoffensive sauce, cheap but not horrendous cheese. This slice was gratifying if slightly disappointing, like when you masturbate too often. Nate said it tasted like cafeteria pizza. I don't know what they do in Maine, but in New York we didn't masturbate in the cafeteria. What a sicko.

Rating:


Francesco's Pizzeria & Pasta - $2.35
140 W 4th St (Ave of the Americas & MacDougal)
New York, NY 10014

John's of Bleeker Street: "NO SLICES."

John's of Bleeker Street doesn't sell slices, so it doesn't really count. But it's been there since 1929, and me and Yusuke wanted to go, so we went, so fuck you.

Me and Yusuke got a $12 small pie and a $17 pitcher of Yuengling to split. When it all arrived at the table, Yusuke pointed to the pie, then pointed to the beer, then pointed back to the pie and shouted, "Sid Vicious! Beer and pizza! Sid Vicious!" We dug in and let me tell you, this pizza is delicious. I'm not sure where it measures up in the fancy-pants brick oven artisanal ax community, but as far as this one shmuck is concerned, this shit rules. In the words of Mr. Okada, this pizza was "very good, very greasy, very fresh," and I couldn't agree more. The fresh mozzarella is delicious, the sauce is fantastic and fresh, the dough is phenomenal and has a perfect crunch. I was so full when we got here that this pizza hurt to eat, but I couldn't stop eating it because it was so good! I remarked how full I was and Yusuke sagely said, "good pizza is good pizza anytime," as he closed his eyes to savor a bite of this fantastic pie.

Rating:

John's of Bleeker Street - $12/pie

278 Bleeker St (7th & Jones)

New York, NY 10014

Famous Ray's: "Not a Famous Original Ray's, nor the original Ray's, but perhaps the original Famous Ray's?"

I will head into the city one day this week and re-photograph some of these places!

In keeping with my opinion of Famous Original Ray's pizza, the original Famous Ray's totally blows chunks. This place does look pretty cool, though! There are these great checkered tiles along the counter and these pretty cool tables for standing at,  and the place is really spacious and quiet and a little unsettling in a pretty cool way. Too bad the pizza sucks!

This slice had too much cheese and was super nasty. Like it was totally disgusting. Ugh. The slice was really thick, and not crunchy at all. It wasn't soggy, but it was floppy. I kind of felt like I was eating a yoga mat. Yusuke said, "I can't taste sauce so much," and I have to agree with him, so I can't comment on how the sauce is. Mostly this slice is just a disappointing bummer, although Yusuke said, "this slice like Cheesy Bread, and I like cheesy stuff, so it's good." I have to disagree with him that there is anything redeemable about this slice, but who cares. If you like things that are shitty, maybe you will like this slice.

Rating:


Famous Ray's Pizza - $2.75
465 Ave of the Americas (at 11th)
New York, NY 10014