Bravo Pizza: "Han shot first."

As is evidenced by the "we cater corporate" sign, Bravo Pizza is operated by sellouts and will have to be destroyed before the Rev.

This Bravo Pizza looks a little less cool and a little less weird that the last Bravo Pizza which I went to with my pal Jeffrey Lewis. It's decorated the same, cool looking old wooden panels, hall of mirrors shit and tons of neon. But the room was bigger so where the other Bravo made me feel like I was in a dive bar on Tattooine, this one was just kind of meh. In the other place, the cramped space, in conjunction with the neon and mirrors, made this illusion of infinity that was actually quite claustrophobic. An oppressive falsity, an image of space and room to breathe that is so transparently false it is offensive. This place, there actually was plenty of space and room to breathe, so it wasn't really an issue. And if it's not clear, I find that particular kind of claustrophobic, oppressive setting preferable to the mundanely comfortable.


Like the first Bravo, this slice wasn't very good and it was once again because of low-quality ingredients. This slice tasted like crappy canned kids pasta, some unhealthy, brainkilling, Chef Bo Yar Dee bullshit. Matt said the bottom tasted like a saltine. He was quick to add, "and I'm from New England, I LOVE saltines," though that didn't help him love this pizza. It was a real test, because I was concerned Jacob and these two Terribles, despite their impeccable credentials, were going to fail me as pizza reviewers. My fear mostly stemmed from something that Mike told me at Pronto, he was talking about the time that he and a friend ate at every pizzeria in Worcester (a project I only learned about after the inception of Slice Harvester. Great minds, yadda yadda bararar), and he concluded that he didn't really dislike any of the pizza. "It's kind of like the movies, because I just like being at the movies. It doesn't really matter what kind of movie it is. Same goes for pizza. I'm usually just glad that I'm eating pizza." This statement was obviously a cause for concern on my part. Were these three boys so smitten with the slice that they would fail to recognize when it was flawed? Luckily, they can tell when a slice sucks and everyone in the group was unimpressed by Bravo's crappy wares. As opposed to Bravo's Crappy Warez, the website I used visit when I was thirteen, hosted by famous "hacker" Bravo, where I could download bots that would automatically type out ASCII art of boners into aol chat rooms.


One really cool thing Bravo had going on was the availability of "Pizza Packets," these little pocket-sized packets of pizza seasonings. On the back of each packet is a pizza fact, or "pizzoid". According to Pizzoid #110, "Americans consume about 100 acres of pizza each day." Put that on your slice and eat it.

Rating:


Bravo Pizza - $2.50
1367 Broadway (36th & 37th)
New York, NY 10018

Bravo Pizza: "It is now sunset over Jerusalem."

Oh it feels good to be back home. Bravo Pizza is only a few doors down from Cafe Metro, but it may as well be worlds apart. If you want to take a trip that mirrors Dante's journey from Purgatory to Paradise, just travel between Cafe Metro and Bravo Pizza in that order. Bravo Pizza is a truly weird zone and a clue into the running undercurrent of bizarre shit that flows beneath any transitory urban environment. Any bustling transit hub that is not even remotely residential has a whole secret underbelly of weirdos hanging around running smalltime scams and picking at the crumbs. Bravo Pizza seems to be like, a magnetic draw for the weirder elements hanging around near Grand Central. Maybe they even used to hang out IN Grand Central before the Army showed up and never left after 9/11.

Bravo Pizza looks AWESOME inside. It is really dim and cramped and there are neon lights running along the baseboards of the walls and flanking the pressed-tin ceilings. And there are hell of mirrors so you can totally spy on everyone else while you eat.


This slice was just barely above average. It was cooked fairly well, but wasn't crunchy enough, the ingredients were ultimately way too crappy to be good. But compared to all the other crap that Jeff and I ate that day, this slice place could've been DiFara's. What's that old line Tom Waits sings in Singapore? "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." Which is probably not true anymore since I saw a blind kid on the news using echolocation to play hockey on rollerblades.

Rating:


Bravo Pizza - $2.50
6 East 42nd Street (5th & Madison)
New York, NY 10017

Bravo Pizza: "Looks like an open wound."

Bravo Pizza. I have been to a few Bravo Pizza locations so far, and I have always been disappointed in their pizza but charmed with the cramped, neon-lit interiors of their restaurants. This place threw me a curveball in that the pizza sucked, and I hated being in there. The dude and the lady were really concerned with the Giants game on the television, which is totally fine, but homeboy put my slice in and then just forgot about it. But we will get to the horrid pizza in a minute.

This particular Bravo location, unlike the others, is spacious. In fact, I would say it is too spacious. There are some mirrors, and a couple rows of neon around, but it's not the same cramped, claustrophobic, mirrored box that I love the others for being. This place has a hideously bland interior, topped off by a really ornate ancient ceiling that makes me feel like I am eating pizza on an airship, which certainly is pretty cool, although I bet the guy that gives you the airship in Final Fantasy III (Cid? I don't remember, it was long ago), would never burn my pizza.

Okay, this pizza sucked, and the guy who sold it to me obviously didn't care about me as a customer even a little. Even if this slice wasn't burnt, it still would've been utter shit. First, it was too orange. Second, there was too much sauce and the sauce was WRETCHED. Third, it was burnt to a crisp. Fourth, there was a giant TV like, 5 inches from my face playing the most awful commercials. All told, this slice might've been rated a little better if they hadn't fucking forgot about me, but the Slice Harvester is vindictive and don't you forget it.

Rating:


Bravo Pizza - $2.50
64 7th Ave (at 14th)
New York, NY 10011

Bravo Pizza: "The Final Nightmare."

Bravo Pizza! This is the sixth Bravo Pizza I have eaten at, and also the last of it's kind. Much like the film Freddy's Dead was supposed to be. Also like the Nightmare on Elm Street series, the first one is okay and charming and then they get cheesier and cheesier as you progress through them and the final one is just kind of an anti-climactic letdown. That's not even literally true. I mean, Bravo doesn't have an especially cheesy slice. I just really wanted to make a Nightmare on Elm Street analogy.

Now, I swear I took a picture of this slice, but I can't seem to find it inside my camera, so I guess I didn't. For the record, it looked just like this, except with a big glob of broccoli rabe stuck to it.

This slice was way undercooked, too saucy, and too greasy. The sauce tasted like crap and the whole thing was soggy. What a mess! The dough was good, though. It was chewy in that way that good pies are chewy when you get them delivered and they've been steaming in the box. Like, there's something totally comforting about that and I liked it. But overall and otherwise this slice is gross.

Rating:


Bravo Pizza - $2.75
115 E 14th St (Park and Irving)
New York, NY 10003

Bravo Pizza: "My lucky day! I get to visit two Bravo Pizzas! Huzzah!"

 

Another Bravo Pizza. Wooo-hoooo! I love it here. It's like, if I ever wonder what the point of doing Slice Harvester is, then I get to a Bravo Pizza and it reminds me of everything great in the world. Like, they might be a chain, and maybe they accept "corporate accounts" and seem like a total Pizza Today bottom line oriented bullshit business, but they obviously have rigorous standards of who they hire as evidenced by this sign posted in the window:

Some experience! It's really important. And english! Wowza. It's great.

This slice is like my dream come true. Like, imagine if you could make something look like pizza, but taste like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's what this slice was like. A hot nothing. Fuck this place. Two zeroes in a row! What a week.

Rating:


Bravo Pizza - $2.75