Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Star Pizza: "Would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar, be better off than you are? Or would you rather be a mule?"

Star Pizza sucks, there's not much more to it. Delizia Pizza or whatever the place the new plastic on the awning is obviously covering up probably sucked too. Most of the pizza sucks. So do most things! That's just the way the world is. Everything stinks, nothing rules. Blockhead Skateboards really summed up the general state of the world when they made that Nothing Is Cool skateboard. The world basically sucks, and you can really only hope to have more hopeful days, than others, but not today. Every so often enough things collide that it's just impossible not to be bummed about your friends' self destructive behavior, your city letting rapist cops walk, your country falling further and further into a total cultural void. Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but when I think about my experience at Star Pizza, it makes everything seem even more dour, dire and grim.

Jon the reporter described the texture of this cheese as forming "tiny globules" in his mouth, and he couldn't be more right on. This slice had nothing going right for it. The cheese wasn't undercooked, it just wasn't made of cheese. If it was like, soy cheese or daiya I'd STILL be disappointed in its texture. The sauce tasted like someone bought the cheapest tomato paste at the dollar store and just slopped in on the dough, and the dough tasted like Spread. You know that stuff in the big giant tub at the supermarket that isn't butter or margarine, it's just called Spread, and it's made of chemicals that like, make you grow extra limbs and have mutant kids or like, grow a GIANT BONER like in Class of Nuke 'Em High. Total sick stuff. There is a general lack of compassion in this pizza. This pizza does not care about you, it doesn't care about the people who make it, it doesn't care about itself. Maybe it's a sense of nihilism, a sense of giving up in the face of impending and awesome doom. Scientists know the sun is gonna implode in 3 billion years and take us all out, so who cares if we pollute, who cares if we let each other starve and fight and die, who cares if we serve shitty pizza. Fuck every single one of the quitters, that's what I say. We may all be on a sinking ship, but it's sinking slow and I'm not out of hope yet, despite this exhaustion I feel.


Star Pizza - $2.75
26 Murray St (Broadway & Church)
New York, NY 10007

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