Rosario's: "AAAAAAND IIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUOOOOHHHHH!"

So, recently my friend Scotty came to visit. Him and me and Cory and Johnny, both of whom you should know if you've been reading Slice Harvester, used to play in a band together some time ago. It was a fun band, even though I accidentally read in Cory's diary once that he hated being in a band with me. Oh, and we also used to be roommates, back when my apartment had no doors and there were only sheets hanging in the doorways. For a while he was into squatting on top of the toilet seat whenever he took a dump because "that's how the cavemen did it," which presumably referred to the squatting posture and not to perching atop a toilet, because cavemen didn't have toilets. We were not really in the habit of having any privacy when we lived together and once I came home with some company and, it bears noting here that the bathroom is directly across from the front door, I opened up the door and there was Scotty wearing a striped polo shirt, no pants and a pair of running shoes, squatting on the pot just letting it all slide out like The Great Pizzaola intended. Hopefully he doesn't mind that I just shared that story!

Anyway, it was really good to see him and I made plans to try my damnedest to get him out eating pizza with me, which happened, luckily. We stopped briefly at Economy Candy and I bought my special ladyfriend some candy cigarettes. And then we went to Rosario's, which I was excited about because I've always liked that place.

This place is great! They have all these weird pictures on the walls, and the pizza man was so nice and they had classic rock radio playing, which is totally not ideal, but there's something about a pizzeria with classic rock on the radio. And there's a lot of windows and it's nice and sunny and I was there with my friend Scotty and it was a nice day and the sun was out and I was in a really good mood and everything seemed to be alright in the world.

This slice looks a lot more orange than it actually did in real life. I am sure there is some color correcting I could do if I were so inclined, or had any knack for that sort of thing. But anyway! Rosario's! Always a quality slice. Such a pleasure to eat here. My notes say, "delicious!" three times and "great quality ingredients!" twice, because I kept writing the same things over and over because I was so enraptured by this pizza and by the great company I had. This slice has perfect cheese elasticity, hearty crunch, and a kindly, gentle sauce. Perfect ratios mean these ingredients work in the most harmonious symbiosis, creating a heroic explosion of flavors all up in your mouthpiece. Kudos to you, Rosario's! You are the best slice in your neighborhood, by a longshot!

Rating:


Rosario's - $2.50
173 Orchard St (at Stanton)
New York, NY 10002

Nonna's Pizza: "Don't do me like that."

The last time I ate at Nonna's Pizza was almost exactly a year ago, and it was also with Kever. It was on St Patrick's day 2010, after I had spent the afternoon at Kever's grandmoster's apartment ('sup Winny!) and then a bulk of the evening walking the streets with Kev drinking bottles of port like total scumbags. By the time we got to Nonna's we were wasted, and belligerent and very surprised that we weren't standing in front of Mama's, which used to be in the same spot.

"whaahappent?" I slurred to Kever.
"guessisanewplace."
"getaslice?"
Shoulder shrug.

So we did. And I recall finishing our port and opening a beer on the apex of the Williamsburg bridge, rhapsodizing about the supreme justice of a world where a pizza parlor named after my mother, would be renamed after my friend Rudi's grandmother but still serve up a wonderful slice.

 

And so as we approached Nonna's, I had high hopes for our eating experience. The first jarring moment came when I saw the building's facade. The fake brick awning and corny logo threw me for a loop. This place had none of the charm of Mama's and I could swear it didn't look like this last year. I walked in and saw the pizzaman busy assembling a turkey hero. Were my eyes fooling me? Why was this guy touching cold cuts? What is this, a deli? But no, that's just what they do here these days. I asked him about the awning and he said it had been like that for a year and a half at least. I guess I just didn't notice last time because I was two sheets to the wind.

I wanted to like this slice so badly! It's all I really wanted. But instead this slice just let me down. No sauce to speak of, not totally disappointing but nor especially good cheese, and crust with a decent enough crunch but no structural intergrity! Fuck! I am so mad just thinking about it!

 

A few bites in it just ruptured and split. It looked like when there is like, an earthquake in He-Man or that awesome old X-Men cartoon and the ground splits apart in jagged chunks and there is swirling pools of brackish lava desperately licking the walls of the precipice. That stuff is cool in cartoons, but not on my pizza.

And the whole place had this heinous steam punk vibe that was so stupid. Brick walls with new-old timey looking paintings and exposed pipes and there was no music and according to Kever, "all you can hear is that ominous howling sound. It give you the feel of the desolate relic of what this place once was. I'm waiting for a tumbleweed to go by."

Ultimately this shit was such a let down. Fuck. Another one bites the dust.

Rating:


Nonna's Pizza - $2.00
105 Clinton St (Delancey and Rivington)
New York, NY 10002

Mini Munchies Pizzeria: "A portal to Canada?"

Ensconced in a "shopping enclave" on Pitt Street, nestled between the projects under the Williamsburg Bridge, Mini Munchies Pizzeria is a strange and wild place. Mini Munchies looks more like a chinese takeaway than a pizzeria, with it's illuminated photographs behind the counter and it's strange, almost sinister menu imagery.

This man beguiles and terrifies me.

 Everything about this place is totally bizarre, not in the least, their pizza.

This slice befuddled and perplexed me. In the display case, it looked like the worst, least palatable crap slab, but once cooked, it had a certain charm, a certain je ne se qua, that I just can't deny. But it also had sesame seeds on the crust, something I can't recall having ever seen before! Kever, a notable world traveler, told me that sesame seed crust is a common occurrence in the farthest reaches of Great Canada, where my recent pizza companion Steve Dejected hails from! Too bad Steve wasn't with me to sample this slice and possibly verify Kevers's claims.

Seeds aside, this slice left me very conflicted, but I ultimately enjoyed it. It was a solid cruch, and the ratios were pretty good, although it was a little on the cheesy side. But the ingredients tasted surprisingly fresh and seemed to be of a remarkably high quality for such a dump! And the place wasn't without it's charms. Three different old guys came in and tried to sell me and Kever cologne, batteries and signed check for $47.00 that it was sworn to us we could cash and he'd give it to us for just ten bucks

Kever refused to eat the crust, as he has an aversion to sesame seeds, but I found it to be quite decently textured, if a little bland. Regardless of his crust qualms, upon taking his last bite Kever said, "This slice is made with love. I feel good after eating it." And I have to agree.

Rating:


Mini Munchies Pizzeria - $2.00
87 Pitt St (Stanton & Rivington)
New York, NY 10002

Hakki Pizza: "This guy is really demonstrating his style."

Right around the corner from Stanton Street Pizza is Hakki Pizza, which is a really weird place. When I first walked in, I thought I saw a picture of Freddy Madball blown up behind the counter.

 

When I got closer up, I noticed that the other guy was Keanu Reeves, and I thought, "wow, Keanu is like a whole head taller than Freddy?! That means dude has gotta be like, ten feet tall!" But then I realized it wasn't Freddy Madball at all, it was some other guy who didn't even look like Freddy Madball one tiny bit except from really far away in that one picture and even then it was just the prominent nose. And then I realized that I had been so captivated with getting closer to the Madball poster that I hadn't looked around the place at all. Every square inch of the place, barring the floor, was plastered with pictures of the same guy with celebrities and doing crazy tricks, or hung with plaques, certificates and medals he had won in various pizza-related contests for acrobatically throwing pies. All of the awards were made out to Hakki Akdeniz, the Freddy Madball "lookalike," who was actually standing behind the counter serving slices when Kever and I walked in.

Sadly, while Hakki may be an expert at juggling flaming pies, he is not such an expert at making pizza sauce. This slice was great in every way except the sauce! The cheese had a great elasticity. The crust was delicious, thin without being frail, and expertly crisp. There was exactly as much grease as I would ever want on a slice. The sauce, though. There was too much of it, and it tasted like ketchup, which working in restaurants for years has made me realize is the most vile substance in all of human creation. I don't want my slice to taste anything like ketchup! Kever pretended he didn't know what I was talking about for a while when I initially brought up my umbrage with the sauce. He took bites and mugged like he was really enjoying them. I could see right through him and called him on it, and he broke down, "but I LIKE Hakki! I'm rooting for him!"

And I am too. Hakki and his pizza shop have a certain scrappy charm. And I think if his sauce was better, he'd have a perfect slice! Which is why I'm issuing this challenge: Hakki, make better sauce and send me an email. I will come back to your place and rate your slice again. If you think you are making the best sauce you possibly can, let me make the sauce. I will bring you a quart of tomato sauce, and you can make a pie with it, and we can eat it together, next to a pie with your shitty sauce, and you can try and tell me my sauce isn't better. And I'm not even like, a sauce expert. I just know I can make sauce that doesn't taste like ketchup. And I know that I really want to like Hakki Pizza, because it is so fucking charming and this guy obviously wakes, sleeps and breathes pizza, but it just isn't there yet.

Rating:

Hakki Pizza - $2.00

170 Rivington St (Clinton & Attorney)

New York, NY 10002

Stanton Street Pizza: "I want it back again, the spirit that WE ONCE HAD!"

Stanton Street Pizza is right next to NYHC Tattoo. Neither Kever nor I could remember having ever seen it in our lives. I'm not sure how long it's been there, but they did a good job of not making it look super new. Sometimes new places look new and that makes me wary. Plus there is that whole weird trend in pizzeria decor where they make it look like a shitty Olive Garden or something. They were playing vaguely weird New Wave here, and the pizza guy was super sweet.

 

This slice was pretty good! It had good ratios and quality ingredients. It was solid and strong, but delicate, like a male ballerina. And the crust was totally delish! This slice some slight problems. First of all, the sauce was just a hair too sweet, although not to a point that it was offensive. Furthermore, the dough tasted a little yeasty. But these problems were both so minute that Kever and me mostly just enjoyed our experience eating it. As he popped the last bite of crust into his mouth, Kever said, "They planned all the way to the end with this one."

Rating:


Stanton Street Pizza - $2.00
127 Stanton St (Essex and Norfolk)
New York, NY 10002