Friday, December 17, 2010

Cafe Amore Pizza: "Eat this if you are really hungry and hate yourself."

Cafe Amore is my worst nightmare pizzeria. Although unlike the other Cafe Amore this one had no gremlins or labyrinth. This place smelled so rancid and nasty. When I was in high school my tightest bud was this guy named Juan and he had an aversion to coleslaw. This aversion had its roots in the fact that his father, Juan, Sr. had told him as a young man that the way they make coleslaw is that the greasy dishwasher, coming off his shift, chews up cabbage and carrots, then spits it into his hand and rubs it around in his armpits, and then he puts it in a big vat and then they serve it to you. (This is patently untrue because the way they make coleslaw is that they put a rainbow through a cheesgrater, and then they plant carrot and cabbage seeds in the rainbow mulch, and then coleslaw trees grow and they take a little tap and stick it in the tree and turn the faucet and coleslaw comes out, like how they get maple syrup in cartoons.) Anyway, me and Juan used to speculate about what this guy looked and smelled like and Cafe Amore smelled like I always imagined he smelled.

This slice was a big, sloppy, floppy mess and totally sucked, although it was not as bad as it smelled. It had the weird, waxy, plastic-like coating that is the tell-tale sign of the cheapest cheese in history. The sauce tasted like dog barf and the dough was the texture of a moist fart. This slice was ENORMOUS, though. If you are a cowboy and are looking for something cheap and big to feed your horse, get a slice from Amore.


Cafe Amore - $2.75
104 E 14th St (Park & Irving)
New York, NY 10003


  1. Funniest review yet.

  2. Ugh, you know pizza is shitty when you're trashed at 2 in the morning and you still regret buying it. Every time I walk passed they have that "cashier wanted" sign; its been there for about 3 years. I hope they close soon.

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