Cafe Amore: "MORE LIKE CAFE AH-BORE-AYE, AMIRITE?!"

When I went into Cafe Amore I thought it was totally empty. That's because I didn't see the huge Daedalian labyrinth in the back in which me and Yusuke discovered a number of poor lost souls clutching their trays and trembling. I went up to the counter and asked them to charge me for a slice and a coke, but to put the coke into the cup I already had. The lady was like, "we don't do refills."
And so I was all, "No, I'll pay for it, I just don't want to waste another cup."
And she was like, "well aren't you a Good Samaritan?" in this total 'I'm so over it' voice.
Then this West Village Gremlin came in, rubbing his dirty paws together and hissing like Gollum, "buy me a slice, mister? Can you buy me a slice mister? I'm really hungry mister."
And I was like "And gimme a slice for this guy." And the lady behind the counter gave me such a high brow and was like, "another good deed from Mother Theresa."
And buying the Gremlin a pizza ended up being a fortuitous decision because he showed us how to escape the labyrinth! I think that's why it irritated the lady behind the counter, because they find the people stuck in the maze and then work them to death and then after they die they make pepperonis out of them. Real talk.

This slice totally sucked. It was cooked enough for the crust to be crunchy, but the cheese was awful and so was the sauce. Yusuke said, "it's like... the cheese... it's like a... it's not like cheese. The texture is different. I ate frozen pizza in Austin long time ago, this is like that. It tastes like pizza from other town, other state, but not like New York." Basically this slice was nasty. The cheese was the cheapest crap imaginable and didn't melt all the way, probably because it is made from ground up human bones or whatever. The sauce was saccharine sweet and grotesque. The crust was fine but considering the rest of the slice, who really cares if the crust was okay? To quote my man Corey Eastwood, this is nihilist food.

Rating:


Cafe Amore - $2.75
319 Ave of the Americas (Carmine & W 4th)
New York, NY 10014