Monday, January 3, 2011

Pie by the Pound: "How many disgusted faces do you think they have to look at every day?"

Last week I ate pizza with my esteemed friend and comrade John McLean. He is a great guy, so kind, so generous. He used to live in Brooklyn and we were in a band together called Crooked Boner. Sike! That's not what it was called at all, but that would be a good band name. Anyway, John McLean lives in Athens now, where he plays guitar in Dead Dog and he also does dishes at a "Pizza Restaurant" there, which has okay pizza for Georgia but everyone dips it in ranch dressing. And the fact that he lives "afar" is real sad because I miss him daily, but it's okay, because then when we see each other it's very triumphant. And so it was this Christmas. Three wise men brought me a Christmas miracle and that miracle was John coming into my job and getting a cheeseburger. And one of those wise men was Kever! And then we hung out so damn hard you would not believe it and the next day we ate pizza together.

Our first stop was this weird place called Pie by the Pound. It had this overwhelming Reform Jewish Teenager vibe to it, which I am very familiar with, having been to like 8,000 Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. I felt like if Israel went totally bananas and like made all the Jews go into a giant spaceship that was part spaceship, part contained, flying city, and part like, intergalactic cruise liner, and then like, in four generations when none of the people alive on the spaceship even remember Earth, one of them reads about pizza in one of the Olden Tomes of Olden Tymes and is like, "I'm gonna open up a pizzeria." And this is that pizzeria. I don't even think this pizza was kosher, so I'm not even sure why it felt so Jewish to me in there. Maybe it's because the place was decorated like a JCC rec. room.

So the thing with this place, and I should've taken a picture of the display (oh wait, here's one I found on the internet!), is that they have these giant ovular pies and then you order by weight. Not a bad idea, but the pizza sucks and the shit pictured above cost me $3.94 and wasn't even as big as a regular normal slice. And it suuuuuucked. And it was cooked in like, one of those giant toaster ovens like they have in a sleepaway camp cafeteria. And did I mention it sucked?

When we got our regular pizza the lady also gave us this thing to taste, which is that same regular pizza with cubed tomatoes, mozzarella and basil on top and said we should try it because it's "a little more interesting" or something. We ate this first and were just like "Oy vey! If this is the more interesting option I am loathe to taste their less interesting choices!" (Except John didn't say "oy vey" because as goyem he's not allowed to, he said "gosh darnit.") And did I mention that the regular pizza sucked? It tasted like when you chew all of the flavor out of a piece of Juicy Fruit and you are just still chewing on it anyway out of habit and then you suddenly notice that what you are chewing on doesn't taste like ANYTHING AT ALL. That's what it tasted like.


Pie by the Pound - $????
124 4th Ave (12th & 13th)
New York, NY 10003


  1. How many, if any, slices does it get for a rating?

  2. No rating because it wasn't really a slice? Welcome back, you were missed.

    Got my favorite (and only decent slice I've ever had) back in Colorado, and had to think of you...mostly because I'm scared to death that you'd walk into this place and declare it a sucky slice. I really need to get to New York some time.

  3. The pictures of these weird pies, such as this one, and the K cone, make me think that you are wasting your hard earned money on stuff that is not really pizza. I'm going to have to make another donation soon.

    This looks similar to but worse than Whole Paycheck pizza (which I have had but once and deemed it not worth my whole paycheck.)

    Also, loved how you combined references to Wall-E and Bar Mitzvahs to pizza (sort of).

  4. Anonymous #1: I knew I forgot something this morning! It's been amended.

    Anonymous #2: Is your favorite place NYPD in Colorado Springs? Because that slice's mediocrity is actually what prompted me to start Slice Harvester.

    Ronwass: I've never seen Wall-E, but if it's about a giant spacestation cruiseship, maybe I should. As far as why I eat these notapizzas, it's all for the sake of journalism, my friend.

  5. Watch Wall-e ... you'll appreciate it. Lots.

  6. #2 here: No, but I'm not suprised that something mediocre was spawned in Colorado Springs. I don't even like taking a dump in that place (the surrounding beauty of the area is something different).

    The place is called Pizza Casbah in Fort Collins. A little hole in the wall slightly off of campus. They sell dollar slices for Happy Hour Mon. and Tues. and are all around decent people. I don't drink, but they have beer on tap and video games to take your spare quarters.

  7. This looks similar to but worse than Whole Paycheck pizza (which I have had but once and deemed it not worth my whole paycheck.)