Sunday, October 4, 2009

Providence Pizza Meltdown: "Looks like pizza, tastes like shit. You're never gonna know until you bite into it."

I'll return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow, but tonight I'd like to share some information about the horrible pizza in Providence, Rhode Island. Right now I'm sitting in an internet cafe in Boston drinking this horrid tea that tastes like bubble gum while the homies are at the club they're playing tonight a little ways down the street. I don't think I fully realized what an important band I was "touring" with, but these people were all famous already! If you haven't heard them yet, Forgivers feature Berk from Glassjaw, Keith from Rise Against!, and Charlotte from 7 Year Bitch. Total super group! I'm so privileged to be able to travel around with such rad celebrities.

Anyway, yesterday we ended up heading to the neighborhood over by all the colleges in Providence. Keith wanted to hit the gym, Charlotte needed to get some more watercolors, and Berk had to get a pedicure (he has sensitive feet!), so I was left stranded downtown. That's when I realized that there were three pizzerias just on the block I was on! I started thinking about the horrid slice Mikey Sauce had gotten me at 2am Friday night, and realized that I had to do further research into the indigenous pizza of downtown Providence. So I went to the first place, Nice Slice, employer of the Providence Punks and much heralded Best Pizzeria in Town and ordered up a slab.

I don't know if you can tell from my crappy picture, but there is totally some bullshit whole wheat thing going on with the crust. Boo. To top it off, the whole slice was too thin and it was just generally subpar. Pretend it's not pizza and maybe it's a decent snack.

Right across the street was Antonio's, which looked promising until I realized it shared it's location with a burrito joint, much like a half assed Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell. But I went in anyway, because I am a glutton for punishment, and the slice looked ten times more like actual pizza and not some art school, gourmet crap.

Sadly, this slice tasted like someone had spread sauce and melted cheese onto a pizza box. The dough was basically the consistency of cardboard. The sauce and the cheese were fine, but the dough and crust were awful, which led me to ask Charlotte whether Providence is at a higher elevation than New York. Because last week, Megan, my friend and pizza comrade, who is such a dedicated pizza-maker that she reads PMQ Magazine, told me that elevation affects the consistency of pizza dough! No shit, right? You never thought about it, but it makes total sense.

Anyway, after Antonio's, I headed to the last place on that block, Xtreme Pizza & Wings. What a shit show. I walked in, and there was some dick boss behind the counter yelling at the girl at the register like a shitty dad. He eventually stopped barking asinine orders at the poor girl and gave her enough time to take my order. It was then I noticed the pies waiting to be sold.

The counter of this place looked like a fucking burn unit. Every slice I saw was a Freddy Krueger. Then this frat dude walked in and was all, "I'm here for the pickup."
And the lady behind the counter looked over at the two to-go pies that were boxed up next to one and other and was like, (and I am not even joking or embellishing here), "Xtreme BBQ or Chicken Terriyaki Xtreme?"

Fuck. But I had already ordered my slice, it was too late to leave. And then I was handed the worst slice of pizza I've ever seen in my life:

The ultimate Freddy Krueger. The cheese on this slice looked like a giant nasty scab. It was grosser than my face was when I got doored on my bike coming home from Cassie's halloween party a few years ago and had nasty road rash on my face and looked like a zombie. It was grosser than when I saw a tape worm at the beach. It was grosser than the grossest thing you can imagine.

(As a side note, feel free to post the grossest thing you can imagine in the comments section of this entry. Winner gets to know that I am thinking about what they wrote while I masturbate.)

The crazy thing about this slice was that even though it was totally burnt to shit, it had the grossest most soggy texture ever. Like that pizza I ate with Meredith and Josh Ferguson (I think), that turned into like, a weird soup in your mouth. So gross. By far the worst pizza ever in the world.

Anyway, I still think the pizza I that Mike Sauce took me out for two years ago at Tommy's was totally decent, so if you're ever in Providence, go there. Although really if you're ever in Providence you should just eat a Vietnamese sandwich or a fucking Hot Weiner with Meat Sauce from N.Y. System, duh.


  1. I didn't actually upload this to post it in the comments section of yr blog, but it seems like the perfect time to share a link to the sound of my cat licking her own asshole while purring.

    Maybe you can imagine her doing that in a pool of bloody cum or sthng.
    Cheers, great blog!

  2. Dood, Nice Slice is the ultimate "emporer has no clothes" pizza place! It's fine or whatever but like, it doesn't taste better than other pizza (minus xtreme wings, i guess), and isn't better than other fast food on Thayer Street. But it's always packed! It's all marketing! You went easy on them to not have mentioned that the slices are minature and not filling and cost a lot.

    Too bad you didn't go to Gordito Burrito, which is the burrito place attached to Antonio's. The folks there are nice and the food's worth it. ("Worth it" and "not worth it" being my only 2 standards for fast food. Actually, Providence has a lot of good fast food. Next time you're up!)

    Apparently Caserta's on Federal Hill has like amazing pizza. I've never had it, but they delivered an anchovy pizza to Neon Vomit while we were on stage one time, so they're tops in my book!


  3. This is a hilarious post for me, given that my dorm is literally steps from both of these joints. I've fallen victim to the 2 am drunk Antonio's runs, and I gotta say that under those conditions the pizza is wonderful. But I cannot vouch for any food on Thayer street for those who are not inebriated.

    As a New Yorker, I love this blog almost as much as a great slice of NYC pizza...and it's that much better now that you've visited/reviewed my new hometown. Even if the pizza does suck.

    Keep it up!

  4. fuckin' a right! with some exceptions, the pizza here in barf city is... well, it's barf city. you'd think that with such a significant italian population the pizza would be tite, but while there are some **restaurants** with pizza, who cares about some dumb-ass restaurant? i want a pizza joint! there's like 5 in providence and they're all pretty assy and not cheap enough to be like whatever. fact: worcester has 74 (non-chain) pizza places and only 1 sucks.

  5. Jacob!

    My good friend and esteemed comrade Mike Leslie of famous Worcester rock outfit The Terribles and namesake of the now defunct HBML junk shop has eaten at every pizzeria in your fair city. Perhaps you and him are already acquainted?

    Fair thee well, fine friend.

  6. Too bad you were so heinously misguided in PVD. If you dare return, Via Via makes some very tasty pies! Four cheese is my choice, although my compatriots swear by the BBQ chicken. The place is admittedly unglamorous, but is run by some very nice Egyptian fellows. Oh, how I long for their slices!

  7. Bob and Timmy's on Federal Hill is the best pizza in providence. Grilled pies.

  8. Let me second on Tommy's pizza....and also Caserta's is the best. I grew up in Prov, and am a fan of both and brag about both throughout my travels. DEFINITELY get hot weiners if you can though as that will be a religious experience. You're welcome. (btw, never heard of thoise other crap places you went to, and I'm a native of Prov)