Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Cafe Amore's Restaurant: "When the smell hits your nose and you think the dead rose that's Amore"

Cafe Amore is a small local chain with three restaurants that serves giant slice of shitty pizza. For a minute I was thinking it was the worst smelling pizzeria in the city, but I actually have a feeling another small local chain, Pastafina, might take that prize home. These places have even less character than the other small local chain, Abitino's, which is a total pretender and chock full of false authenticity, but they at least have some kind of interior design motif. Cafe Amore just has a shelf of decorative wine glasses.

"For display only"
Otherwise, there are pretty much bare walls and formica table tops. I don't know, I don't mind simplicity but this place is just dreary and so is the pizza.

This slice had nothing going for it. No personality. Aminah said it has "the lingering aftertaste of old people," which she admitted she "kind of liked." But Aminah likes disgusting things! Look at her art. She is intrigued by the sick side of life. And while I dabble in the disturbed, my intrigue with the occult doesn't extend to Hellishly Bad Pizza.

Notice the total lack of structural integrity on this slice. When folded the front flops forward like a huge flaccid dong, flopping around under it's weight at the whims of gravity. Looking at it from the front, it creates what I call The Grease Tunnel, and slightly resembles a quivering and trepidatious anus, poised to spray diarrhea everywhere after having received an enema at the hands of the Pretty Hate Machine himself, Trent Reznor.

Did I spoil your appetite? Does thinking about Trent Reznor giving a slice of pizza an enema and then the pizza shooting greasy, liquid shit all over Marilyn Manson make you feel anything but hungry? Good. Because I don't want you to associate Cafe Amore with food. I want you to associate with gross things, vile things. This is Pavlovian training. Stay away from this place!


Cafe Amore Restaurant - $2.75
147 Chambers St (Hudson & West Broadway)
New York, NY 10007


  1. 'flaccid dong' can I use that for my band's name?
    We mainly play slightly raunchy songs for kid's parties-currently our name is Hot CoCo-but I think this name will take us to the next level.
    Love the blog!

  2. While I appreciate the credit, I am pretty sure the term "flaccid dong" was coined by Jean Genet and predates Slice Harvester by about 100 years. Luckily for you, I'm pretty sure I read in the Times that it just entered the public domain last month, so use away!

    And thanks for reading.