Slice Harvester: III L's Pizzeria: "I keep trying to think of three words that start with L and glibly summarize my experience with this place but I am having NO LUCK!"

Recently I went pizza eating with my good friend Aminah Slor, who I have known since she was a teenage waste pissing her life away in Tompkins Square Park. She grew up from her humble Brooklyn roots to become one of the most talented artists and tattoo-appliers I have ever seen.

Some years ago, at the beginning of her career as a tattooist, she gave me this cool Ramones-related Salami on my thigh:

That was one of the first tattoos Aminah ever did and I am pretty sure I traded her like, a mostly full package of Samson tobacco for it. She also touched up my toes after I spilled drano on my foot and they rubbed off (DIY tattoo removal enthusiasts, take note: if you want to replace your tattoo with a weird, itchy, peeling rash, spill Drano on it and don't wash it off).

Probably two years ago she gave me this sweet Wolfman Jesus tattoo, also, which really documents how far she's come since the Salami Days and also how talented an artist she is:

Here is a drawing I gave Aminah as a sketch of what I wanted my tattoo to look like, and next to it is the drawing she made and tattooed on me. Seriously, this lady is the most talented.

I could make this post a million times longer about how awesome Aminah is, but I'll just leave it at that. She is a serious asset to the international community of freaks and weirdos and I am oftentimes so proud that she is my friend.

Our first stop was III L's Pizzeria, which is on Broadway near the Federal Building. They have a crazy x-ray system to get in there (the Federal Building, not the pizza parlor) like they have at court and once when I went there to pick up a child I know from the daycare center in the ground floor of the building I almost got arrested because I had all these knives and boxcutters on me! Luckily I noticed the x-ray devices and stashed my supplies for cuttin' you in the bushes outside. They still didn't believe that someone would trust me with a child, but eventually they let me pick him up when I showed them they'd had my ID on file for months as the kid's emergency contact! Anti-Punk discrimination on the part of the federal government is a serious problem that I hope President Barrett Orbalmo will work hard to alleviate. Ugh.

Sorry, I get easily distracted. Anyway, III L's was a grimy place full of grimy teens and it had great style! The employees were all wearing matching uniforms, but they all had like, Bone Thugs corn rows and cursive neck tattoos and looked hella rugged even though they were wearing goofy uniforms. There was no where to sit, so we took our slice out the door and sat outside the Fed Building, where we were met by my friend and current roommate Sean Monaghan, famous San Francisco punk rock style icon and general all around decent dude. And he joined us in reviewing this slice.

First thing to notice about this slice is that it kind of looks like pizza from a roller rink. And that's what it tastes like! Sean took a bite and said, "woah, it's totally mushy!" and Aminah was like, "yeah, but I like this rubbery texture sometimes." And I agree with her. This slice had a lot of Elio's Action going on, and as you all may know, while I admit that shit is definitely Objectively Bad, I totally unabashedly love it. It's like how my favorite song in the whole world is honestly and truly Girls Dem Sugar by Beenie Man and Mya. Or like how I love watching Law & Order: SVU!

Anyway, according to Aminah, "this is better pizza than you can get anywhere in Oakland," which is not saying much, but it's certainly saying something. Sean said this slice felt like it was made of chapstick, which is gross, but we all agreed the crust was good. It wasn't like BANGIN, but it was good. Overall I was satisfied by this slice, but it definitely was not good pizza.

Rating: