Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Hell's Kitchen Pizza: "Conquering the worm."

Hell's Kitchen Pizzeria looks like it was opened and decorated by Rob Zombie circa 1998. It is really and truly the corniest place I have ever seen. It really rides the line between being a corny metal pizza shop and being a corny rockabilly pizza shop. Whoever opened this place really loves Betty Page bondage photography. While I think it's hella corny at this point in my life, I found that corniness really charming and if I was a kid or maybe even a teenager I would totally love the aesthetic of this place. Then again, I genuinely liked the Stray Cats AND the Electric Hellfire Club when I was in high school, so there's that. What's my point, in a nutshell? This place seems hella corny, but in a way I totally loved and it made me feel good. I mean, fuck, they were listening to a live Springsteen album.

Sadly, this pizza is the worst pizza I've ever had in my entire life. It was so bad that after I took my first bite I felt like I was gonna puke. Caroline took a bite, gagged, spit it into a napkin and said, "I eat out of the trash pretty regularly and I don't have this problem." Leah seemed to have a sort of zenlike attitude about this slice, and I'm not quite sure what made her impervious to how disgusting it was, but she was unphased.

When we left, about a block away, I totally hurled. It was pretty fun and reminded me of being young and being a total scum. I was standing between two luxury cars barfing and all these mothers pushing their children in strollers were taking a wide berth around me. Caroline and Leah were across the street digging antique nails out of a garbage can and when I walked over to join them, I noticed that an entire family of birds had alighted into my vom-puddle and a mother bird was feeding a kidbird little bits of my puke. Ah, the circle of life.

Later that day I was in a McDonald's reading a book and killing some time because it was raining and cold and I couldn't sit in the park and an older gentleman wearing an NYPD baseball cap, forest green sweatpants and no shirt was standing in the doorway screaming "CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHERE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ARE?!?" and also screaming "I WORK FOR THE CITY!!!" but when we made eye-contact he just looked at me knowingly and smiled.


Hell's Kitchen Pizzeria - $2.50
691 10th Avenue (47th & 48th)
New York, NY 10036


  1. Wow, you're really eating the pizza so we don't have to.

    Pretty positive way to define "worst slice ever".

  2. this is hilarious.
    did you see the grilled cheese pizza?
    it looks like freddy krueger's face.

  3. What a coincidence. I passed by this place this morning and thought about snapping a photo but decided not to for some reason.

  4. Rabbi Yoel ChristiansonMay 26, 2010 at 12:39 PM

    love the look of this slice. both cheese and sauce clearly visible; doesn't look too greasy. bet it's an ok slice.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. Zenlike attitude. SO funny.

  7. You have mentioned the "worst slice you have ever eaten" a few times. I guess the bar is raised (or lowered, as it were) each time. Seems like this one will never be worsened, until. . .