Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Lazzara's: "I am the resurrection and the slice."

Lazarra's Pizza is totally full of shit and I am mad at them. This place is cool if you want to eat pizza on an airship, which is what it feels like when you stare at a huge plasma tv screen while sitting under a tin ceiling and steampunk ceiling fan. Maybe these people would want to eat here, but I think human beings, or "yuman beans" as my father might say, who want actual pizza would not be interested in this place.

They only have square pizza here. But it's not a grandma slice, it's a what they're calling regular pizza. This is like when you make pizza at home and don't have a pizza stone yet so you end up rolling out your dough on a cookie sheet. In a word, unprofessional. The thing that really pisses me off about it is that it tastes really good! It's super buttery and in the words of Leah, the crust kind of tastes like "when you get on a pancake when you're lucky." As in, that rad buttery burnt shit. The slice had perfect ratios, great crunch and the sauce had a bit of a bite. It was really delicious, much to my chagrin.

At one point I took a bite and the cheese stretched almost an entire foot. Leah said, "not to be totally gross, but it's sort of like ovulation." Caroline and I both laughed but I have to be honest and admit that I was only laughing because Leah said "ovulation." Despite the fact that I'm a guy with a good attitude towards menstruation (that's right, I'm the guy), I've never actually ovulated so I'm not quite sure what she's talking about. Whatever, it's always funny to compare food to bodily functions. If anyone feels compelled to graphically explain whatever I missed in the comments section, I'd be really pleased, as I'm sure would most of my readers.

Aside from the fact that it's not real pizza, my big beef with Lazarra's is that they have a million signs all over the damn place that say their slice costs $1.50, and then the slice actually costs $1.64. What a misleading bummer. At least say "$1.50 + tax". Seriously. That kind of bullshit has probably cost many an unsuspecting sidewalk stroller $0.14 she didn't expect to spend. What bullshit. I can't deny that it's really delicious, though.


Rating if it were actual pizza:

Lazzara's - $1.64
221 West 38th Street (7th & 8th)
New York, NY 10018

1 comment:

  1. Oh man-- that looks good. Verily, some of the greatest pizza in the world is square (as my old forge brethren know. i want to go there and order 3 of those f'ers. 2 for me and one for my departed brudder and olde pal Monk. RIP Monk.