Pizza Bash NYC: "Maybe I'd check out Pizza Bash Toronto or Pizza Bash Kyoto, but this place is not worth it."

Okay, listen up: don't bother with this place. Pizza Bash NYC is a worthless "brick oven" shithole that is not worth your time or money. I don't have much to say about it, because there's not much going on here. You probably already know that I am distrustful of a New York pizza shop that has to say "New York" or "NYC" or some variant in the name, because it pretty much ensures that the people who run it are not New Yorkers and have no idea what they're doing. The exception being I Love New York Pizza, which is awesome. Of course, we both know it's the exceptions that prove the rules.

For starters, this is a crappy margherita slice and not a New York slice. It is on record in various places (notably my reviews of Little Luzzos and Brick Oven Pizza on 44th St) that I am totally content and happy with a good margherita slice, and that I am willing to pay extra for the quality ingredients and higher level of mastery in the preparation, though the latter is a highly arguable point that I'm not even sure if I agree with. However, this place simply falls way short. It's just not good. As with any margherita slice, this one was mostly sauce. However, the sauce was utterly and totally disgusting. This slice was too flimsy, even for brick oven, and what little cheese there was tasted like total garbage.

I think this screenshot from the Pizza Bash website says more about the joint than I ever could:

Notice that on the "Most Ordered Items" list at this pizza shop, not a single item is "pizza."

Rating:


Pizza Bash NYC - $2.99
44 Union Square East (16th & 17th)
New York, NY 10003

Bravo Pizza: "My lucky day! I get to visit two Bravo Pizzas! Huzzah!"

 

Another Bravo Pizza. Wooo-hoooo! I love it here. It's like, if I ever wonder what the point of doing Slice Harvester is, then I get to a Bravo Pizza and it reminds me of everything great in the world. Like, they might be a chain, and maybe they accept "corporate accounts" and seem like a total Pizza Today bottom line oriented bullshit business, but they obviously have rigorous standards of who they hire as evidenced by this sign posted in the window:

Some experience! It's really important. And english! Wowza. It's great.

This slice is like my dream come true. Like, imagine if you could make something look like pizza, but taste like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's what this slice was like. A hot nothing. Fuck this place. Two zeroes in a row! What a week.

Rating:


Bravo Pizza - $2.75

Frank's Express Pizza: "NO!"

Oh boy, Frank's Express is the worst! Really, it's so, so bad. If they served a decent slice, being inside of Frank's would be lovely. It's awkwardly tiny and cramped, with slightly malfunctioning stools and a kind of gross counter. And you might end up stuck really close next to a stranger. And there is a mirror so you can watch people eat which can be super uncomfortable!

This slice tastes like biting into a stick of nasty fake butter. The flavor of the grease is totally weird and synthetic tasting. And the cheese tasted curdled. Joe took one bite and said, "I can't imagine a more unpleasant eating situation." This place would still be shit if it were a dollar slice, but it costs twice that, so fuck this place.

Rating:


Frank's Express Pizza - $2.00
127 E 23rd St (at Lexington)
New York, NY 10010

Papou's Pizza: "Let's get ready to... RUUUUUUMBLE."

Papou's Pizza is a totally weird zone of awkwardness and horrible eating. While we were in there, Joe and me totally got menaced/threatened by an entirely unattended 5 year old in a Tapout shirt and flat-brim Yankee cap who was just like, stomping around like the Hulk trying to fight everybody. It was totally weird. The woman behind the counter was like, 45 but had makeup on like a teenage girl and was twirling gum on her finger while she talked on the phone and spent ten minutes counting out my change. The pizza totally sucked.

Major Freddy Kruger situation going on here. This slice was burnt to shit and brittle, and very obviously not very good in the first place. "You can crumble it in your hands!" Joe exclaimed as he watched the slice turn to dust before his eyes with a slight pinch of his manly fingers. This slice is just bad news. There's no reason to go here. Go hungry instead. Or go somewhere else. This place is the pits.

Rating:


Papou's Pizza - $2.45
112 E 23rd St (Park & Lex)
New York, NY 10010

Mozzarelli's: "After this we'll stop by Cinnabon and then I just have to run into Spencer Gifts before we go home."

There is a lot happening on the facade of Mozzarelli's that made me feel totally hesitant to even go in there. Like there are all these weird signs that look like a chain store, and a million of them are advertising that is is "healthy" or "gluten free," which are both fine things for food to be, but I'm not necessarily interested in associating them with my pizza. There is also this picture:

Which is totally weird because the depiction of what is obviously a group of criminals is the exact opposite of the weird, sterilized, polished look of the exterior. Also, because these people look about as realistically criminal as when Joe Jackson poses as a con artist. The picture just seemed wildly out of place and inappropriate in the context it was in. I'm not sure what they're trying to convey here, but it is poorly executed at best and borderline offensive at worst.

And the pizza was not very good. The guy behind the counter was super nice, though. He saw us order one slice for the two of us, and put a concerted effort into picking out the absolute largest slice he had, plus he cut it in half without even asking, which actually annoyed me more than anything, but the intentions were obviously good. The sauce on this slice was really sweet, the cheese was burnt and the crust was "okay." Joe thought it tasted like Ray's Pizza & Bagel on St. Marks, which isn't too sterling a recommendation, if I do say so myself. Sitting in the restaurant with my back to the street, I felt like if I turned around I might not see 23rd St, but I'd actually see like the inside of a mall outside Kansas City or Chattanooga or something. Yuck.

Rating:


Mozzarelli's - $2.25
38 E 23rd St (Madison & Park)
New York, NY 10010