Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Broadway's Jerusalem 2: "Expensive and depressing."

I docked my flotilla of lanky goyem at Broadway's Jerusalem 2 with little to no incident. I purchased a single cheese slice and a can of cola. Actually, it was purchased for me by one of the gentlemen. I know Jacob did the purchasing but I am unclear who's dollars were spent, as there was a flurry of brandished wallets and one of those Tazmanian Devil clouds and then, whoosh! my pizza was paid for and I was holding it again, suddenly surrounded by fashionable orthodox 20-year-olds.

SCENE REPORT: Fashionable orthodox 20-year-olds out in public flirting with each other are no more or less annoying than fashionable 20-year-olds of any other variety that you run into in New York City. I realize now, the only difference is that maybe these people were married. Whatever.

We ascended a staircase and snaked through a narrow hall, which opened into an enormous room. It was startlingly bright, with yellow walls and these wild day-glo chairs. It reminded me, for some reason, of the YM & YWHA (the H stands for Hamas, my parents were hippies) where I attended summer camp as a youngster. It reminded everyone else of a school cafeteria. Jacob, Matt and Mike reenacted their high school years by sitting alone in the back corner while everyone else in the room refused to even so much as glance at them.

The most interesting thing about this slice was that as soon as we set it down on the table, the tip fell off. Now, I'm not sure what you barbaric gentiles do or don't do to your penises because I haven't kept a catalog of the ethnic origins of the dicks I've seen, but I know when Jews are babies we get the tip of our's cut off. We don't even do it in a hospital, we do it in Jewish Church, or Synagogue. I know this because I saw it happen to my cousin. I don't remember being a baby, so I don't know what happened to my foreskin, although hopefully it's not part of anyone's luggage, but I do know what happened to this slice's foreskin after it fell off of it's own accord: I picked it up and ate it. And it wasn't very good.

This pizza had all the usual kosher pitfalls. It was was too sweet, the dough was a weird texture, and the cheese totally sucked. After his second or third bite, Matt said, "The cheese taste doesn't go anywhere. You get an initial taste of cheese, and then it just stops."
"No intertia," said Jacob, shaking his head back and forth.
"No cheese intertia," Matt agreed excitedly, "no Lactoinertia. This slice has no Lactoinertia!"
And so a new scientific term was born.


Full Disclosure: Jacob rated this slice a 3.5, Matt and Mike both thought it was a 2.

Kosher Scale Rating:

Broadway's Jerusalem 2 - $3.00
1375 Broadway
New York, NY 10018


  1. Hilarious post. "Flotilla of lanky goyem" being added to my vernacular ASAP.

  2. Leah! I am so glad to hear that. I was just rereading this post and freaking out because like, half an hour ago on the phone I gave my Grandfather the S.H. url and I was afraid this was a weak first post for him to read.

  3. Not at all! And I'm sure grandpops will appreciate the lengthy foreskin discussion as well. "Lengthy" referring to the paragraph size, not.... anyway.

  4. Broadway's Jerusalem 2 Moved to 35 West 36th Street (btw. 5th and 6th) just one and a half blocks from Macy's. It is now called Jerusalem Cafe.