Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Pastafina: "Third time's the charm? Kind of, I guess"

On the way over to Pastafina, Clancy and I met up with my friend Mike Taylor, to accompany us for the rest of the day's slices. I met Mike in Providence at Mikey Hotsauce and Caroline's house and then the next time I was in town he tattooed a raincloud on my belly with a banner around it that says, "Sooner Or Later It All Gets Real." Laying in his bedroom looking at his tapes against the wall I remember being really excited that he had a Mukilteo Faeries demo, because that Special Rites 7" was a really defining record for me as a kid. Afterwards I got a HORRIBLE slice on Broadway in Providence, and we sat in Mike's backyard where we drank 40s and he showed me his brick oven. At this point Slice Harvester wasn't even a twinkle in it's daddy's eye, so the pizza oriented aspects of our hangout were purely coincidental.

Mike lives in Brooklyn now, and he is an art handler and makes really rad comics. He is a lover of pizza, (dare I say a pizza obsessive?), so his accompanying me on a pizza mission was practically written in the stars. It was meant to be. When I told Clancy that Mike was meeting us for pizza, Clancy said, "don't tell him about the Palatka shirts I printed when I was in high school." Don't worry Clancy, your secret is safe with me.

You may remember my prior trips to the other two Pastafina locations, first with famous erotic poet Jake Birkenstock ("when I left this place, after Blake and I went our separate ways, I totally barfed all over the sidewalk"), and then with Jesse Jane and her friend Rebecca ("while we did ultimately almost finish this horrible thing out of masochism and curiosity, it was really, hands down one of the worst slices I've ever had in my life"). In short, those were two of the most atrocious slices of pizza I've ever eaten in my life. Each received a 1 slice rating, although I should probably downgrade them to a half or a zero, as I was presumably being too kind.

The slice I had with Mike and Clancy was the best Pastafina slice to date and it was still totally fucking wretched. It was gooey and flavorless. Like, it literally tasted like nothing and had the most appalling texture I've ever experienced. Mike said, "this pizza has an agnostic front. Like, you bite into the hard crust and then it's just gooey and unrecognizable." This is the dregs. Total crap. I always say that I don't mind giving out bad reviews because I don't think that they'll ever really substantially affect someone's business because people will always eat shitty slices out of convenience. But if part of Slice Harvester's last legacy is that a help shut down these three abominable hell holes masquerading as eateries, I will be proud, and I'll be able to know at the end of my life, whether the sum total of all my actions has been good or bad, I at least did one tangible thing to aid the flailing corpse of humanity in its last days.


Pastafina - $2.50
388 3rd Ave (27th & 28th)
New York, NY 10016


  1. I was unaware that masculinity could be defined by one's choice of pizza toppings. What a revelation! Ah impotent rage - why must you expose us to the pain which punctuates your Anonymous existence?

  2. Thank you, Huggie. I guess masculinity is determined by faceless internet bravado and having shit taste in food.

  3. Hey, though this person may not understand your mission, they still wished you good luck. There is something to be said for that sort of blind kindness.

    PS... I totally forgot about those cookies I had for us. Until now. I just ate the entire pound while catching up on your blog, and now I don't feel very well.

  4. I know this is a 3 year-old comment, but cheese pizza doesn't suck - shitty pizza sucks and piling meat on top of shitty pizza disguises its shittiness. The true test of good pizza is if the plain slice tastes good. It's all about the mix of crispy crust, oily cheese, and sauce that actually has flavor. I like toppings on my pizza, but if the slice can't stand on its own then forget it.