Thursday, April 8, 2010 Pizza Cafe: "This is the pizza they serve in hell."

A confluence of a bunch of shit going on, plus my computer only half working led to my not being able to update Slice Harvester for three days. That happens occasionally and you guys are used to it, so I'm not killing myself over it, but it did make ME realize something. I also am pretty sure I haven't spoken to anyone in my family in a few days either, so I wonder how many days I'd have to go without updating or talking to my mom (I LOVE YOU MOM!) for her to get worried and call me to see if I'm alive. I don't plan to find out, but it definitely made me feel like I have a lot more privacy and space than I thought. Pizza Cafe is a weird place with horrible food. The name was familiar to me, and I couldn't remember why, but it turns out I ate there with zombie William Blake. As you may recall from that entry, zombie William Blake had been portending doom all day and it turned out he was talking about Pastafina the whole entire time. Anyway, while that place is simply called "Pastafina" and this place seems to be called "", they share a website, which leads me to believe they are related. Also the fact that eating the food in either location is a terrible and harrowing experience leads me to believe that they are related as well.

This place, though it was terrible, was not without it's charms. To start, it is called, and do you know what that makes me think of? Trick Daddy, the name whose second record,, is also the name of his website. The other charming occurrence involved my interaction with the two employees. I walked up to the counter and ordered a regular slice. There were two guys back there, and one put my slice in while the other just looked at me. Then he was all, "you speak Spanish?"
And there was something in his voice that made me look at him quizzically and say, "no," instead of shrugging my shoulders, making a pinching gesture and saying "un poquito" like I usually do.
And it paid off because no sooner had I finished saying "no habla Espaniol" en Englais, the guy putting my pizza in the oven turned to me, looked dead in my eyes and said, "chinga tu madre."
Well, I looked wide eyed and said, "well, whatever does that mean?"
And his buddy goes, "He say's 'enjoy your slice.' That'll be $2.50." !!!!!
Those guys were sassy and I like that, but still had shitty pizza.

Where do I begin? This slice was the pits. It tasted HORRIBLE. I think aside from wanting me to fuck my mother these dudes were also trying to poison me. As soon as I got to the table, Jesse Jane said, "I don't like slices that look like that." Becca said, "it smells like Chef Boyardee." I folded it up and was ready to accept it with arms wide open, until I took my first bite. Yowza was this horrible pizza. It tasted like rotting sour things. Dead things. There was something other worldly about it and not in that way where like, sometimes some of my little weird friends are aloof and effervescent and seem to just flit about on a breeze and bring magic feelings and ~good vibez~ everywhere they go and I'll be like, "David is so otherworldly." No this is otherworldly like from a Sandman comic where it means it came from hell. At a certain point we started mushing the folded slice with our fingers and the cheese was bubbling out and it looked like something from a David Cronenburg movie. It was so sick. Sick like shitting out of your mouth, not sick like jumping out of a hot air balloon on a snowboard. I took a video of it on my cellphone that I was so excited to make into the first ever Slice Harvester Video Supplement, but I can't get it off the stupid phone.

After we were done mushing the pizza around, I opened it up and the most horrifying smell wafted up. It was seriously one of the worst smells I've ever been exposed to In My Life and I have been waist deep in garbage more times than I care to recall. Anyway, while we did ultimately almost finish this horrible thing out of masochism and curiosity, it was really, hands down one of the worst slices I've ever had in my life. Yuck.

Rating: Pizza Cafe - $2.50
712 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

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