Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Krunch Pizza Bar: "Food for Vinn Diesels."

Cory's band Stupid Party does not sound like how Cory looks.

Krunch Pizza Bar. Oy vey, what a strange place. The guy working behind the counter was outside smoking when Cory and I walked up. He was very friendly, looked just like Pitbull and was wearing this wild, bejeweled Michael Jordan shirt. He kept telling us about how good and "filling" the mac and cheese slice was and me and Cory kept being like, "I don't know man, I think we'll just split one regular." This place was weird, all the "slices" were rectangular and looked weird, but they had some seemingly fancy shit at pretty decent prices. Like, I think they had a bunch of cured meat slice for like, $3 with pancetta and sopressata on them. That's pretty cool, I guess.

Pitbull was a sweetheart and cut the slice into two pieces for us. What a gem. Cory criticized his sales pitch, saying, "what kind of an argument is that?! I don't want to walk into a dining establishment and have the only selling point of the food I'm about to get be that it's filling." I think dude just pegged us for broke scums right away and knew we were gonna share a slice, so he was trying to clue us in to the most possible food for the least possible money.

This slice was weird. It totally tasted just like the frozen french bread pizzas my mom used to get at the supermarket. They weren't like, in a box premade in a factory, but they were in the deli section, and I imagine they made and froze them at the supermarket because they were wrapped in plastic wrap on those little styrofoam trays that the damn chicken breasts and shit come on. You know what I'm talking about? Maybe it's just an East Coast supermarkets thing because Cory remembers them. In case it's not clear, this is totally unsatisfactory pizza.

While we were eating our pizza this rainbow coalition of Vin Diesels came into the restaurant together. They were funny, it was like, a black Vin Diesel, a Latino Vin Diesel, a Middle Eastern Vinn Diesel and a white Vin Diesel. Total dude-crew. They all had bluetooth robocop ears and J-Lo shades and weird variations on basically the same outfit, which consisted of ripped at the knee, factory-distressed jeans and shirts that were tight enough to see their pecks and biceps. And they all talked like Vin Diesel! It's always pretty cool seeing a Vin Diesel in it's natural habitat because I am not usually in those kinds of places, but seeing a whole pride of Vin Diesels was almost too much to bear. I think the food they serve at Krunch Pizza Bar is the type of food Vin Diesels prefer to consume. And now that I think of it, maybe I was wrong about our salesman's pitch. It's totally possible that the reason he was harping on the fillingness of the mac and cheese slice was because all the Vin Diesels come straight from the gym and are all, "I'm hungry bro."


Krunch Pizza Bar - $2.75
980 2nd Avenue
New York, NY 10022


  1. you did not rate this slice of pizza, and I have lost faith in your process.

  2. I clarified for you, jerkoff. But come on! Do I really need to tell you this isn't even real pizza? You want I should change your diaper while
    I'm at it?

  3. we sound exactly like i look

  4. A little defensive Slice Harvester? The piece IS very judgemental.