La Belleza Pizza: "A pizza vortex."

Yesterday was a beautiful day for pizza, but I just couldn't seem to get my shit together. By the time I got up to Midtown to meet Jesse Jane, she told me she had already ducked into some weird yuppie lounge to get a cocktail! I found the place, and walked in to find Jesse, Becca and Cassie sitting around a tiny table drinking these tall, slim glasses filled with some kind of leaves. The waitress walked over and I pointed to the glass and said, "I want one of those!" which turned out to just be a mojito, but boy did it look fancy. The place we were in had all this weird art-by-the-foot and like, faux-asian decor and arabic writing in rainbow colors on prints framed on the walls. It was a total weird zone. Becca said it looked like a Pier 1 had puked all over the place. It was cool drinking cocktails with a bunch of babes and I totally felt like we were in some weird world Sex in the City (I got to be Miranda!) except instead of talking about boys we talked about the Whitney Bienniel and the Iraq War, and everyone looked really raggedy and had bad tattoos. Cassie had to run, and we noticed it was getting late, so Becca, Jesse and I set off on our pizza mission.

You can't tell, but that neon sign in the window says Hot Heros, which is coincidentally also the name of me and Cory's "independent film."

La Bellezza Pizzeria looked more promising than most of the places in the neighborhood. A lot of them look like weird franchises or like, total strange yuppie-lunch territory. This place at least looked like a pizzeria, kind of. So that was potentially exciting. I wasn't overcome with dread walking inside.


But oh boy, what terrible pizza! Jesse took her first bite and said, "This doesn't taste like anything!" Then after a few moments of rumination she just muttered, "this is heinous, dude." The slice is floppy and insubstantial. It totally crumbles in a crappy way. The cheese is total dirt and doesn't even have a flavor, so what you've got is bad texture, crappy cheese mush, and then the taste of the shitty, sweet sauce, which barely tastes like anything, either! Becca is a vegan, so she didn't taste the pizza, but she is a Certified Crust Expert. She had a bite of the crust and she said it was terribly dry! This slice has nothing going it. This is like, the anti-pizza. I think it probably has something to do with the Large Hadron Collider facilitating the apocalypse. This is a piece to the puzzle, dude.

Rating:



La Bellezza Pizzeria - $2.75
145 E 49th St
New York, NY 10022